Manic Monday!!!

It's about 8:25 pm as I begin to write this.  This has been one of THOSE days.  Will it ever it?  Probably... And, most of the time I say, "not soon enough" but tonight I am thinking, "I can't wish this day away because there are 3 1/2 hours left and if I do, that's 3 1/2 hours without Eric..."  Sucks!  I am contemplating becoming a stay at home mom.  I haven't done this since 2007.  This is when the girls were 4 and 2 (almost 3).  WOW!  That was before school started for them.  But, right now, my job is such that I am driving across town (30 minutes each way) with both kids in the car, teaching the kids all but 2 hours a day and driving back across town with them again.  That is before homework, soccer, church, the weekends...  I LOVE my girls but I am losing me.  My drive to work is dwindling as I think about the amount of work I will be doing alone.  I will be in charge of all the bills, cleaning, laundry, food, shopping, bedtime routines, etc.  The last deployment, I was so tired I think I was on auto-pilot.  Who does that help?  Who is that good for?  I want to be better than that.  I want them to remember the fun mom.  Not the one that was overwhelmed and exhausted.  I want to have fun with the girls and not be bogged down with the "other stuff."  I just found out that ATT/Cingular has our bill all messed up (this is rare for them) and I am freaking out!  I told Eric about it and threw my "bitch fit" about it and not understanding why they can't get something so simple right.  Well, he is downstairs with his father laying laminate hardwood floor in the basement so the girls have a "dance floor."  Instead of me calling ATT and dealing with this, I am typing this blog and thanking God he is here to make the call!  Selfish, yes!  But, dang, how many times did I call Charter while he was gone?  OMG!!!  How many times did they mess something up?  AARRGGGHHH!!!!  This is the day that I became angry and resentful. This is not a pretty side of anyone.  But, especially when we see it in ourselves and don't think before we speak or act.  Today has been the first day where I wanted to scream, "I HATE THE ARMY!!!  I HATE AFGHANISTAN!!!!  I HATE WAR!!!!"  And, at the top of my lungs I sure could yell it!!  I could also hit a few people and cuss some others out!  Thank God I have friends to listen to me. I have friends who reassure me, support me, and love me.  For that, I am so very thankful!!!  My poor in-laws have been here today and witnessed me at the bottom.  I have tried for so long to keep strong, I guess today is the end of that.  I know that this is a rant and not necessarily a productive blog.  But, I think that if we make everything sound poetic or wonderful, we lose the fact that military wives are also allowed a bad day.  To all my military wife friends out there:  Be strong in who you are and know who your real friends are!  You will need them when you hit rock bottom!!!