Manic Monday!!!

It's about 8:25 pm as I begin to write this.  This has been one of THOSE days.  Will it ever it?  Probably... And, most of the time I say, "not soon enough" but tonight I am thinking, "I can't wish this day away because there are 3 1/2 hours left and if I do, that's 3 1/2 hours without Eric..."  Sucks!  I am contemplating becoming a stay at home mom.  I haven't done this since 2007.  This is when the girls were 4 and 2 (almost 3).  WOW!  That was before school started for them.  But, right now, my job is such that I am driving across town (30 minutes each way) with both kids in the car, teaching the kids all but 2 hours a day and driving back across town with them again.  That is before homework, soccer, church, the weekends...  I LOVE my girls but I am losing me.  My drive to work is dwindling as I think about the amount of work I will be doing alone.  I will be in charge of all the bills, cleaning, laundry, food, shopping, bedtime routines, etc.  The last deployment, I was so tired I think I was on auto-pilot.  Who does that help?  Who is that good for?  I want to be better than that.  I want them to remember the fun mom.  Not the one that was overwhelmed and exhausted.  I want to have fun with the girls and not be bogged down with the "other stuff."  I just found out that ATT/Cingular has our bill all messed up (this is rare for them) and I am freaking out!  I told Eric about it and threw my "bitch fit" about it and not understanding why they can't get something so simple right.  Well, he is downstairs with his father laying laminate hardwood floor in the basement so the girls have a "dance floor."  Instead of me calling ATT and dealing with this, I am typing this blog and thanking God he is here to make the call!  Selfish, yes!  But, dang, how many times did I call Charter while he was gone?  OMG!!!  How many times did they mess something up?  AARRGGGHHH!!!!  This is the day that I became angry and resentful. This is not a pretty side of anyone.  But, especially when we see it in ourselves and don't think before we speak or act.  Today has been the first day where I wanted to scream, "I HATE THE ARMY!!!  I HATE AFGHANISTAN!!!!  I HATE WAR!!!!"  And, at the top of my lungs I sure could yell it!!  I could also hit a few people and cuss some others out!  Thank God I have friends to listen to me. I have friends who reassure me, support me, and love me.  For that, I am so very thankful!!!  My poor in-laws have been here today and witnessed me at the bottom.  I have tried for so long to keep strong, I guess today is the end of that.  I know that this is a rant and not necessarily a productive blog.  But, I think that if we make everything sound poetic or wonderful, we lose the fact that military wives are also allowed a bad day.  To all my military wife friends out there:  Be strong in who you are and know who your real friends are!  You will need them when you hit rock bottom!!!

Last Sunday.........

Ok, I am not going to make this too sad since we had a good day today.  But, this was our last Sunday at church as a family.  It was so sad to think that this was "it."  And, as many soldiers in the area are returning from their 12 month deployment, our rector, Father Mickey, asked "Is there anyone in the congregation that has just returned from a deployment?"  I had tears in my eyes...I wanted to jump up and say "NO, ERIC IS LEAVING!!!"  But, I couldn't because Eric was in the bathroom... Yes, he took the opportunity of the offering to relieve himself!  So, I kept my mouth shut...like he would want me to do...  But, after communion, I passed Fr. Mickey as he was returning up front from giving communion in the pews to an elderly congregant.  I said (very fast so Eric couldn't hear), "This is Eric's last Sunday service before leaving for Afghanistan."  When he returned to the front and had an appropriate time, he mentioned that he did not ask about anyone leaving.  And, it was brought to his attention that this was Eric's last Sunday.  People turned around with that look...You know the one... Oh, poor you...Oh, your poor family...How will they make it?  Didn't we just welcome him home a few months ago?  And, the tears began.  Not mine, but Eric's.  It was at that point that I realized he is leaving.  Really, he is leaving... He is going to miss 50 of the next 52 weeks... He will come home for his R and R at some point. (Probably July) Delaney looked over and said, "Daddy's crying."  I said, "Yes, honey, this is his last Sunday service."  Delaney responded, "Oh..." And, I shed a few tears.  After the service I was surrounded by many whom I know well and some I don't know as well.  All offered support and help in the next year.  This is what makes my church a church family.  I have many who will help me through this next year.  I have a wonderful set of sisters, brother and sister-in-law and  awesome parents.  I have great in-laws who would be here as quickly as they could in an emergency.  I have the support of MANY wonderful friends in Clarksville.  I know I can call on them day or night and they are there.  Most were there through the last deployment.  They know me well...  As I close, I want to look at all I have and not what I will be missing.  Each deployment changes the soldier, the spouse, and the children.  It makes an irreversible mark on the family unit.  I pray that I have the strength to be a good example to my children and keep their lives full of joy and  happiness.  May God bless every spouse that has had to go through this. 

One week away

I decided to start this blog since Eric is leaving.  I am feeling a lot of emotions right now although I am showing little of it.  If you have never had a husband prepare for war, there are few words I can use to describe what our husbands go through (through our eyes of course).  They know they are leaving for a year or more/less and may never return.  As they prepare, there is paperwork that includes powers of attorney, medical paperwork, and most importantly, who is in charge of them if they don't return alive.  That has to be hard on a soldier.  When it is hard on them, they start to show stress at home.  As they try to enjoy the last few weeks, days, hours, they struggle to be nice and calm and put on a nice face for all the onlookers.  The onlookers include their spouse (ME), kids, family and friends...  They try to finish any projects that they complete before they leave.  Leaving any projects incomplete must equal failure because many don't handle that well.  At the same time, we wives are preparing to be single parents for any time from a year to a lifetime.  We try to savor any moment left thinking about what we should have or could have done in the year home.  But, alas it is too late.  We have 6 days.  I am very sad to think about all of the events that Eric will miss this year.  But, glad he was around for many milestones for the girls.  So, as this week continues, we will soldier on...