I am.....

I am thinking about what is going right.  Someone commented "always a silver lining with you" on one of my FB posts tonight.  My response (in my head only), "yeah right!  You don't know the real me do you?"  Why is that my immediate response?  Why would I think I am negative?  Why AM I negative?  And, what can I do to stop complaining about things I cannot change and look at the glass half full more often?  I know that since I have become a SAHM, I am a much happier person.  But, when there is stress, I return to that anxious, easily angered person.  Why?  I can certainly tell that the weather has made a difference in my attitude.  And, I am such a rule follower and structured person that I don't like when I know what's right and what should be done and it isn't being done.  What makes it worse is when I know it is MY fault that things are done the right way.  For example, my girls need to go to bed at 8:00 and be almost asleep by 8:30.  This will help them get the rest that they need in order to be happy, healthy girls who are ready to learn at school.  But, lately, it has been 9 (and a few 9:30's, 9:45's!!!) before they are asleep! I am good and calm until 9:00.   But, then, I get stressed about their lack of sleep, wondering if they will be grouchy tomorrow....  What I want to do is relax and snuggle with the girls and let them know that they are safe and things will be ok.  I don't want them to worry as much as I do.  But, they are learning by my example. So, what's a girl to do?  Just what I was thinking when I came across this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-cara-barker/how-to-relax-more-and-stress-less_b_848360.html.  I am now very interested in seeing I Am.  I am not sure where I can find the movie.  But, surely it is somewhere. (read the article and watch the video then read on....
So, as Dr. Barker wrote, Like Shadyac, we have before us the opportunity for scrutiny, and the opportunity to ask, "What is wrong with my world, and what, specifically, will make it right?"What is wrong with my life? #1 I have a deployed husband and #2 my girls argue with each other more than I think they should and #3 I have a deployed husband.......  What, specifically, will make it right? for #1 an end to the war in Afghanistan/retirement from the Army/patience and for #2 patience/understanding/leading by example/counseling/learning to relax and finally, #3 realizing that there is nothing that I can do to change this and make the best of a bad situation. 
But, those aren't enough "making it rights" for me.  So, what else will make it right?  First, I need to stop being so hard on myself.  No one is perfect and although many have "perfect" houses, it isn't an entirely perfect life.  I need to give myself a break and realize that half of the parenting team is absent right now and because we are a team, each one of us suffers when the other is gone. (It always seems to be him absent....) I need to be thankful that I have a husband who is a true partner in parenting our girls.  I need to revel in the miracle that is having two happy, healthy children.  I need to take time to breathe and relax instead of feeling like I need to be productive from 7 am-8pm.  And, I need to embrace my role as a mom and snuggle, play, and love on those girls every chance I get.  As I watch those girls grow, I cannot believe that they are 8 and 6.  In a few years they will be in middle school, high school, then off to college. 
So, I am going to follow the advice in the article and follow this advice: "When you've been running too hot and heavy, sometimes the only thing to be done is to put yourself in time out -- not as a self-imposed punishment, but as a form of self-imposed compassion and respect for the fact that the psyche was not built for such chronic stress and strain."
I will keep you all posted on my progress.  I am sure I will be like a toddler on the naughty chair (Yes, I watched Supernanny) and try to sneak out, scream, cry, pout, and have to be reminded why I went there!  I am going to tackle the anxiety I feel to stick to such a schedule and enjoy my life as it is.  I know it will return to its normal self on or before February 4th, 2012.  But, until then, I need to learn to relax more and stress less! 
Please join me in this challenge.  If you are actively working on this goal, let me know how you are doing! :)

circles......

I am now at the point that I remember why I went back to work.  I clean the kitchen at least 3-4 times a day...after breakfast, after my lunch (if I am home to eat...), after snack for the kids, after dinner, after snack before bed........  When I stayed at home before, I had 2 toddlers.  Now, I have 2nd and 1st graders. I have cleaned out 1/2 the garage, kids' memorabilia, my closet, kids dressers, but still have a lot to go.....  I also have helped plan for our church's VBS.  Ok, I have atteneded 1 1/2 meetings and pretended to know something... { ;) Katie and Kendall} I purchase the food for the FUEL program for our church (they send home food for needy kids on the weekend).  I also got back into exercising.  I have been walking a lot.  Thanks to my friend, Heidi, for making me work out!  Now, with all the rain, I have to hit the treadmill!  :(    So, I stay busy.  My house isn't a museum (as my husband refers to those that don't look lived in).  But, I know it could look better. 
As far as my girls.........  I can tell that they are handling the deployment better than before.  I am not sure if this is due to time, counseling, new school situation getting settled, or just life.....  But, whatever it is, I am glad for it.  We still have issues but not like before.  D and RJ are doing so much better in school than they did in the beginning.  They seem to have settled in and their teachers are great! 
So, my new mission is to find somewhere to volunteer once a week to help a veteran.  I need to pay it forward.  Any and all suggestions are welcomed.  I talked to the counselor about this last week as she is involved in the military daily. 
We are almost at the 3 month mark.....I will go and enjoy my day at the spa for our anniversary tomorrow.  :)

Who Am I?

After being a SAHM for a few weeks, I thought it would be appropriate to discuss who I am.  I know that many who read this are my friends.  Some are long time friends who have watched me grow through life, others are from my younger adult life, and some are fairly recent friends.  Part of the reason I decided to stay at home was to give myself time to find out who I am now.  Although I have yet to sit and read a book or watch any extra TV shows (I actually watch LESS TV), I have had quiet time to reflect on this.  I began my life with a modest family.  My dad worked hard (and long hours) to provide the money that we needed to survive.  But, the rest was up to my mom.  I have fond memories of my mom "doing it all!"  I don't remember thinking, "Wow!  Look at her!  She does so much!  How does she do it all?"  I just remember her getting it done.  Dad was busy on the council in Nashville and with his regular job.  He spent many nights helping others even when my mom probably needed him at home as much or more.  Because they had so much love and respect for each other, it all worked out.  I am the oldest of 4 girls.  I grew up playing in the street, having a lot of parties, and enjoying life.  I knew at an early age that I wanted to be a teacher.  So, after graduating from McGavock HS in Nashville, I went to MTSU to pursue this goal.  I assumed that I would be married young and have children young.  But, God had another plan.  After graduating from college, I was not dating anyone.  I moved back home with Mom and Dad.  Because they moved while I was in college (from the house they owned for 22 years), I had my own bedroom.  I was a substitute teacher and worked at O'Charleys.  The next fall, I was able to get a full-time teaching job.  And, that is when I bought my first house.  It was the day before Thanksgiving in 1997 when I closed on my house.  I continued teaching, working at O'Charleys, and then began my master's degree.  This is what I was busy doing when I met my husband, Eric.  We quickly fell in love but, due to selling a house, the Army's schedule, etc., we were married 1 year (to the month) after our first date.  I then began teaching at Ft. Campbell.  We were pregnant by our first wedding anniversary.  Shortly after D's birth, Eric deployed to Iraq. He returned only to help our family move to South Korea.  We had a tough but rewarding experience there.  That is where we conceived RJ and she was 2 when we moved back to the states.  Before our return to the states in 2006, I had spend little time thinking about who I am.  But, that is where it began.  I returned to work in 2007 (after taking 3 years off between 2003 and 2006, and working 1 year in Korea.).  I worked full-time as a teacher from 2007-10.  Then, I went part-time.  But, the duty of a military wife called and I felt the calling to be a SAHM.  So, who am I?  I am a woman striving to be a good Christian.  I think my first job is that of  a wife and mother. I am a sister and friend.  I enjoy reading books, helping others, and have actually enjoyed getting more exercise lately!  I am someone who should slow down and smell the roses. I need to ask for help more but am proud when I can do things myself. (got that one from Mom!)  I should forgive more and judge less.  I should have more patience with my children and hug them more.  I am someone who is trying to learn to relax and breathe deeply.  I want to simplify my life by getting rid of excessive baggage (belongings, negativity, and the past).  I need to learn to keep my mouth shut when it isn't nice but speak up more when I feel like someone has walked all over me.  I am very proud of my family.  I am proud to be a military wife.  I am more in love with my husband today than I was 10 years ago when we married.  I am proud to be a mom to my 2 sweet girls.  They wear me out and make me crazy but I wouldn't trade either for anything else in the world.  So, simply put...I am a product of my upbringing with the good and bad experiences.  I am blessed.  I am complete...  I will learn how to sit back and soak it all in so it doesn't pass by like a blur in the night.  I am one lucky gal!  Thanks to all who have been part of making me who I am!

Balance.......

  I tend to do too much.  I can love too much, work too much, play too much.... But, what I can't seem to figure out is how to balance it all.  I work so hard that I fail to enjoy the day to day with my kids and hubby.  I play so hard that nothing gets done in the house until I hit a point where I am ready to freak out (which does happen) and can't do anything else until the house is done.  I try to stay on that balance beam and keep focused on what's ahead while juggling a million things at the same time.  Sometimes, like today, I fall off.  I have to wipe myself off, ignore the bruises, and get back on that balance beam.  But, it hurts.  It hurts to fall off and yell at your kids.  It hurts to fall off and worry about stuff you have no control over.  It hurts to fall off because you look down instead of ahead.  Each of those events give you another bruise.  Some days, I am black and blue.  Other days, I can get all those bruises healed and I am totally focused on what's ahead.  So, I want to know....am I the only one who struggles with this?  I was at dance tonight and one mom told her daughter, "Back up, you are on my last nerve." (This was after her telling her daughter to back up about a half dozen times)  I told her that she was my new BFF.  She thought I was offended.  But, I was relieved.  I am not striving to be a perfect mom or wife or person in general.  I know I have my flaws.  And, believe me, I have friends who harass me about some of them! :)  But, I want to achieve balance.  I am now into my 3rd week as a SAHM.  I am walking with a friend a few times a week, I have eaten with a few friends here and there.  But, now I am to the point where I need to find out what I want...what I need...  In order to do this, I have to stop on the balance beam and take a seat.  I have to dangle my legs over the edge and look around.  Which direction do I want to go?  Need to go?  I have just gotten accustomed to having complete silence in the house.  I like to sit in the living room and read.  It is nice.  It helps me relax.  Now I need to listen.  As I continue on this journey called life, I know I will fall.  I am just thankful I have good friends and family who are there to help "spot" me. (Especially when Eric is away.)  I have two healthy, well-adjusted, smart, girls.  I am very blessed and need to just breathe.........and look ahead!

Much needed FUN weekend

So, no one got sick this weekend!  ;)  We started the weekend with Zumba at the Y with our Zumba buddies, the Borske Family.  The regular instructor wasn't there so Melanie wasn't in her groove!  But, I had a great time!  (Ok, so...I sucked but it was fun!!)  Then, over to their house for beer and pizza.  Saturday morning began on the cold soccer field.  It is not because the temperature was bad, but just the wind on the field.  Each girl scored a goal and were very pleased with themselves!  We ran home and ate lunch.  We changed and went to the dance studio open house.  We took our friends Sherrill (mom) and Tiffany (daughter who is interested in dance).  After that, we ran to a baby shower.  We were the last to arrive but brought the champagne for mimosas and, unfortunately, the first to leave.  We went over to Blackhorse for dinner.  This is a great brew pub in downtown Clarksville.  It is great food.  We met the Borske family there.  We went home and, evidently, the girls weren't tired enough.  So, they invited the girls across the street over.  So...bike riding, Kids Choice Awards, and many laughs were shared.  Sunday was nice.  We went to church for the first time since E left.  It was great for me but the girls didn't enjoy the church service part....  Lunch with the Bergmann family (Sherrill, Birdog, Drayton, and Tiffany).  Then, to their house to play in the creek, woods, and house.  It was a lot of fun. Drayton was in my kindergarten class when I taught at Ft. C in 2001-2002.  I am glad we have kept in touch with this great family!  I feel very refreshed after my first week as a SAHM and great weekend!  So, all those who are worried about me, I hope you don't worry so much.  I never mean to make people worry about me.  But, I still want to give an accurate portrayal of what the wives (and families) of deployed soldiers go through.  Unfortunately, it ain't always great.  But, it is just life...the life I have chosen...the life I am proud of...  So, I will have good and bad days/weeks/months....... Keep the prayers coming.  I can use them EVERY day!!!  :)