company, party, and fun

On my last post, my in-laws had just left and I was about to get my best friend from growing up, Alethea from Nashville.  It seemed like we had little to do according to my calendar.  Well, that quickly filled up with field day (the one that got rescheduled), grocery shopping, church supper, dance, and the Southside Spirit Fest.  So, Alethea came on the 17th (Tuesday) and just left today.  I am sure she is looking forward to some true quiet.  I am beginning to question my routines.  They are good for us girls while we don't have company but not conducive to guests.  Our bedtime routine is the one that has me frazzled.  I am sure I have posted about this co-sleeping stuff before.  I didn't like it when they were infants and I don't like it now.  But, it sure beats getting up 3-4 times a night due to nightmares.  The girls' counselor (Rebecca) suggested that I embrace it.  I could modify it to fit my needs but try to relax and "go with it."  It is obviously something the girls need to feel secure right now but....I am having a hard time embracing it.  I WANT to but can't.  We all go to bed at around 8:15.  The girls read until about 8:30.  Then, lights, etc. out.  Well, I have my computer on so I can do things I want to do.  This is good until we have company.  Well, two girls (sisters) in a bed together with no adult supervision can cause problems.  So, staying up and having adult conversation can be interrupted by breaking up arguments over who touched whom and why one sister has to sleep facing the other because the one can feel the others' breath!  REALLY?  ROLL OVER!!  So, it is a difficult position.  The girls really want to be in here and I really do enjoy watching them sleep.  When one girl moves, the other does too.  It is really sweet how connected they are as sisters.  Oh, wait, I figured out the problem!!!  If they had on/off switches, it would be perfect!  I could turn them "off" at night and "on" in the morning....  So, that is my struggle as a mom.  Embrace what is uncomfortable for another 8 months (minus 3 nights with Alethea in Denver and 14 nights E will be back for r/r). 
I really hate to complain about this.  It sounds so petty.  My biggest struggle as a mom is the fact that my kids argue at bedtime????  REALLY?  Ok, so they argue in the car, at church, upstairs, downstairs, inside, outside... you get the picture if you're a mom.  And, we actually do have one routine.  The girls switch who gets to sleep beside me each night so it's fair.  I like sleeping next to D because she doesn't try to kick me off of the bed.  But, she doesn't snuggle either.  I like sleeping next to RJ because she snuggles and it's sweet.  But, by 3 am, she is trying to sleep sideways and kick me off of the bed.  If you are a proud co-sleeping parent and have suggestions, let me know!  BTW, they are 8 and 6 (if you didn't know).... They are ready to sleep on their own when Dad gets home.  I love all the power a man in the house holds!  The "Protector of All from Evil" the "Hero Dad" the...walks in the door and they do what they are supposed to at bedtime!  What gives?
On to more fun stuff.....I did get over the guilt (thanks Kendall) and enjoy the Southside Spirit Fest.  We had a total of 54 guests who all came with drinks and side dishes.  I had great cooks (thanks Rick and Mike)......  And, everyone seemed to have a good time!  I think May is the perfect time for this.  So, mark it on your calendars now!  The Saturday before Memorial Day, my house, WITH "Hero Husband" AKA "Bestest Brewer" will be here to celebrate........ 
I do want to mention a few things before signing off.  It is off topic because it isn't relevant to my blog topic.  But, the reason I feel the guilt when I can't embrace this bedtime thing....  My friend Mary's son Luke (D's BFF in Korea) has a tumor and has been treated for it for a while now.  But, they were at Vandy for 6 hours today trying to run tests to see if it is growing again or not.  (And, I worry about bedtime??)  My friend, Heidi's neighbor, Doug (also a GREAT friend to her) has cancer and also had an accident this weekend at his house and broke the L1 vertebrate. (and, going to bed 10 min. later is a BIG deal?), So many lives were lost in Joplin, MO.........I think I need to hug these girls a little tighter...
Afterall, I am a mom who has and will continue to make mistakes.  I will do this while my husband is home, training, or deployed.  It is one of the cons of motherhood.....your mistakes are highlighted in the faces of your children......But, every day I wake up and try to do the best I can for these girls.  I hope they look back and remember the time when I slept in bed with them and we were all at peace.  Not the one night of the month I yelled at them for not going to sleep.......

busy, busy, busy

I can't believe it has been 13 days since I last blogged.  Since the last blog I fell and hurt my foot (ouch! Happy Mother's Day!!!), cleaned out most of the basement, prepared for a recital, hosted my in-laws (from last Friday until this morning),  helped the girls with their recital, and prepared to have one of my best friends to come tomorrow.  It's been good to be busy but also exhausting.  I am looking forward to slowing down some and enjoying time with Alethea.  But, those of you who know me, know that slowing down is not stopping....  I have to go shopping and prepare for a party on Saturday night.  This is something I have been looking forward to since I began planning it about 1 1/2-2 months ago.  Usually I have a group of friends at a time over.  This time, I am inviting friends from all of my walks of life.  I have friends from childhood coming, family, friends from teaching, friends from church, etc... It is going to be great!  I can't wait!!!  I kind of feel like I am in high school again.  I remember being a senior in high school.  I sat in child psychology between a friend who went to see Rocky Horror Picture Show, rented hotel rooms, smoked pot (?or used other drugs) and a friend who wouldn't do anything illegal if her life depended on it.  Well, I know where each of them are now (thanks to Facebook) and it isn't where I expected back in high school!!!!  I knew that there was one who was much smarter than the other and hoped that she would recognize and fulfill her potential (NOTICE THE TEACHER LINGO!!!  I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL THINKING THAT!!!).  Thank goodness she did!  I knew she was bright!  Anyways, I am saying that to say that I am somewhat nervous about them all being in the same space.  Why?  I have NO idea!!!  I think it will be a great time with great people!  I think that each of my friends are in my life for a specific purpose.  Some allow me to laugh, others allow me to cry.  Some I call on when I haven't heard from E for 2 days and they allow me to totally stress out!  Some I call only when I am in a good mood while others I tend to call when I am weak.  I have friends who rely on me more than I rely on them.  I love the dynamics that friendship brings.  And, I love having parties.  I can't believe that E won't be here to celebrate.  My excuse?  I will get it all figured out this year and make a bigger event next year!!!  :)  After all, by that time we will have KEGS of beer brewed by my hubby!

So, here I go, off on another week of fun, adventure, and SOME relaxation...................

OBL.........

OBL is not the Outer Banks of Louisiana.  It is Osama Bin Laden.  I have to admit, Sunday night my sweet husband called at 9:15 pm and I was trying to settle the girls down after they should have been asleep.  I could feel my stress level rising and then the phone rang........  I felt so bad that I wasn't ready to talk to him.  I didn't expect the call and should have been ecstatic.  But, instead, I was just frustrated with the timing.  So, half of the conversation was me getting upset with the girls.  We did get a chance to talk and he let me know that the flight he was taking that day (which was planned long before) would be a long one.  While I was talking to my sweetie, I received a call and text from my girls' dance teacher.  When I returned the call, she couldn't talk because the president was about to speak.  {Really?  On Sunday night?  Really? At 9:30? hmmmm......}  So, I turned on the TV.  Then, I learned the news.......  Osama Bin Laden was killed!  Really?????  While my husband was in Afghanistan?  While I am proud of the accomplishment, I was hesitant about the timing.  I want my husband home when things like this happen.  Doesn't everyone?  Don't we want our husbands there to protect us?  Not sure why.  It really doesn't make sense.  But, it's the reality.  I remember when Saddam Hussein was found in the hole.  We were in S. Korea.  But, we were together as a family.  So, while I was happy about Bin Laden's capture, I was worried about retaliation against our troops in Afghanistan.  So, I sat and worried.  My brother called and tried to say something reassuring.  It was sweet but I knew he had no idea what to say.  But, what a great thought!  A while later, the phone rang again.  This time it was my sister's girlfriend.  It was so sweet for her to call.  At first, she had no idea what to say.  She listened, let me cry, and then brought me back to reality.  Then, we spent the better part of an hour laughing, talking, and gossiping!  When we had a connection problem, we decided it was a sign that we needed to get some sleep.  By this time, I was exhausted and knew I had to sleep. I sent Eric an email to every email account that Eric had to tell him to let me know he landed safely.   Although it wasn't good sleep, it was sleep.  I was a nervous wreck until I heard his voice again.  This is crazy because in 2003 when he was in Iraq, I only heard from him once a month.  Yes, once a month!!!!  (That was a once a month phone call with no emails between!!)  So, why is it that I worried so much?  It is because the realities of war weren't there in 2003.  The 101st Airborne Division was going to go into Iraq, kick ass, remove Saddam Hussein and come home!  Wow!  Now, 8 years after his first deployment (2/28/03), I am very aware of the realities of war.  I have seen the devastation that war can create within families that stay together, families that are broken, and families who have lost a loved one.  So, for our true heroes, the fallen heroes, I keep a prayer vigil...until the troops come home....

Proud Mama!

So, today was the QCRR (Queen City Road Race).  It was the 33rd Annual event.  Last year all four of us registered for the 1 Mile Movement but decided not to go because of the heavy rains (which led to the flooding of our town).  This year the 3 of us registered for the 5K since Grandpa (my Dad) was going to do it, the girls decided that they could too!  It ended up being myself and girls, my sister Julie, my Dad (a.k.a. Grandpa) and my Aunt Kathy.  My Mom (a.k.a. Grandma) and Uncle Frank (Grandpa's brother and Aunt Kathy's husband) came for moral support. Grandpa told me I should bring a wagon because with the hills in Clarksville, I was surely going to be pulling one of them along....  I didn't do it!!!  I refused to pull an 8 or 6 year old around in a wagon!! About an hour before the race it started to rain.  But, by race time, it was sprinkling.  RJ began strong and got a stomach cramp at about 1 mile.  But, we breathed through it and she rocked the rest of it.  D went from jogging to walking the whole race!  We are still waiting for our "official" results.  I think the girls and I finished before the 45 min. mark.  Grandpa and Julie finished a few minutes later.  And, Aunt Kathy and another nurse that she met along the race finished last at 52 minutes.  Aunt Kathy met this lady who had just lost over 100 lbs. and had completed a 2K and a 3K previously.  The girls and I met a lady who's children were cheering her along around the Franklin St. area.  We began talking and this was her first race after losing 155 lbs.  How awesome!!!  It is great to meet really neat people along the way.  Of course, we ran part of the race with our dear friend, Jaime.  We also ran into friends from dance, church, and school.  It was amazing how all these paths crossed today to make it a great day!  I appreciate http://www.clarksvillenow.com/ for taking pictures and posting them quickly.  They are awesome!!!
So, here's to a happy, healthy, and FIT 2012!!!! 

I am.....

I am thinking about what is going right.  Someone commented "always a silver lining with you" on one of my FB posts tonight.  My response (in my head only), "yeah right!  You don't know the real me do you?"  Why is that my immediate response?  Why would I think I am negative?  Why AM I negative?  And, what can I do to stop complaining about things I cannot change and look at the glass half full more often?  I know that since I have become a SAHM, I am a much happier person.  But, when there is stress, I return to that anxious, easily angered person.  Why?  I can certainly tell that the weather has made a difference in my attitude.  And, I am such a rule follower and structured person that I don't like when I know what's right and what should be done and it isn't being done.  What makes it worse is when I know it is MY fault that things are done the right way.  For example, my girls need to go to bed at 8:00 and be almost asleep by 8:30.  This will help them get the rest that they need in order to be happy, healthy girls who are ready to learn at school.  But, lately, it has been 9 (and a few 9:30's, 9:45's!!!) before they are asleep! I am good and calm until 9:00.   But, then, I get stressed about their lack of sleep, wondering if they will be grouchy tomorrow....  What I want to do is relax and snuggle with the girls and let them know that they are safe and things will be ok.  I don't want them to worry as much as I do.  But, they are learning by my example. So, what's a girl to do?  Just what I was thinking when I came across this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-cara-barker/how-to-relax-more-and-stress-less_b_848360.html.  I am now very interested in seeing I Am.  I am not sure where I can find the movie.  But, surely it is somewhere. (read the article and watch the video then read on....
So, as Dr. Barker wrote, Like Shadyac, we have before us the opportunity for scrutiny, and the opportunity to ask, "What is wrong with my world, and what, specifically, will make it right?"What is wrong with my life? #1 I have a deployed husband and #2 my girls argue with each other more than I think they should and #3 I have a deployed husband.......  What, specifically, will make it right? for #1 an end to the war in Afghanistan/retirement from the Army/patience and for #2 patience/understanding/leading by example/counseling/learning to relax and finally, #3 realizing that there is nothing that I can do to change this and make the best of a bad situation. 
But, those aren't enough "making it rights" for me.  So, what else will make it right?  First, I need to stop being so hard on myself.  No one is perfect and although many have "perfect" houses, it isn't an entirely perfect life.  I need to give myself a break and realize that half of the parenting team is absent right now and because we are a team, each one of us suffers when the other is gone. (It always seems to be him absent....) I need to be thankful that I have a husband who is a true partner in parenting our girls.  I need to revel in the miracle that is having two happy, healthy children.  I need to take time to breathe and relax instead of feeling like I need to be productive from 7 am-8pm.  And, I need to embrace my role as a mom and snuggle, play, and love on those girls every chance I get.  As I watch those girls grow, I cannot believe that they are 8 and 6.  In a few years they will be in middle school, high school, then off to college. 
So, I am going to follow the advice in the article and follow this advice: "When you've been running too hot and heavy, sometimes the only thing to be done is to put yourself in time out -- not as a self-imposed punishment, but as a form of self-imposed compassion and respect for the fact that the psyche was not built for such chronic stress and strain."
I will keep you all posted on my progress.  I am sure I will be like a toddler on the naughty chair (Yes, I watched Supernanny) and try to sneak out, scream, cry, pout, and have to be reminded why I went there!  I am going to tackle the anxiety I feel to stick to such a schedule and enjoy my life as it is.  I know it will return to its normal self on or before February 4th, 2012.  But, until then, I need to learn to relax more and stress less! 
Please join me in this challenge.  If you are actively working on this goal, let me know how you are doing! :)

circles......

I am now at the point that I remember why I went back to work.  I clean the kitchen at least 3-4 times a day...after breakfast, after my lunch (if I am home to eat...), after snack for the kids, after dinner, after snack before bed........  When I stayed at home before, I had 2 toddlers.  Now, I have 2nd and 1st graders. I have cleaned out 1/2 the garage, kids' memorabilia, my closet, kids dressers, but still have a lot to go.....  I also have helped plan for our church's VBS.  Ok, I have atteneded 1 1/2 meetings and pretended to know something... { ;) Katie and Kendall} I purchase the food for the FUEL program for our church (they send home food for needy kids on the weekend).  I also got back into exercising.  I have been walking a lot.  Thanks to my friend, Heidi, for making me work out!  Now, with all the rain, I have to hit the treadmill!  :(    So, I stay busy.  My house isn't a museum (as my husband refers to those that don't look lived in).  But, I know it could look better. 
As far as my girls.........  I can tell that they are handling the deployment better than before.  I am not sure if this is due to time, counseling, new school situation getting settled, or just life.....  But, whatever it is, I am glad for it.  We still have issues but not like before.  D and RJ are doing so much better in school than they did in the beginning.  They seem to have settled in and their teachers are great! 
So, my new mission is to find somewhere to volunteer once a week to help a veteran.  I need to pay it forward.  Any and all suggestions are welcomed.  I talked to the counselor about this last week as she is involved in the military daily. 
We are almost at the 3 month mark.....I will go and enjoy my day at the spa for our anniversary tomorrow.  :)

Who Am I?

After being a SAHM for a few weeks, I thought it would be appropriate to discuss who I am.  I know that many who read this are my friends.  Some are long time friends who have watched me grow through life, others are from my younger adult life, and some are fairly recent friends.  Part of the reason I decided to stay at home was to give myself time to find out who I am now.  Although I have yet to sit and read a book or watch any extra TV shows (I actually watch LESS TV), I have had quiet time to reflect on this.  I began my life with a modest family.  My dad worked hard (and long hours) to provide the money that we needed to survive.  But, the rest was up to my mom.  I have fond memories of my mom "doing it all!"  I don't remember thinking, "Wow!  Look at her!  She does so much!  How does she do it all?"  I just remember her getting it done.  Dad was busy on the council in Nashville and with his regular job.  He spent many nights helping others even when my mom probably needed him at home as much or more.  Because they had so much love and respect for each other, it all worked out.  I am the oldest of 4 girls.  I grew up playing in the street, having a lot of parties, and enjoying life.  I knew at an early age that I wanted to be a teacher.  So, after graduating from McGavock HS in Nashville, I went to MTSU to pursue this goal.  I assumed that I would be married young and have children young.  But, God had another plan.  After graduating from college, I was not dating anyone.  I moved back home with Mom and Dad.  Because they moved while I was in college (from the house they owned for 22 years), I had my own bedroom.  I was a substitute teacher and worked at O'Charleys.  The next fall, I was able to get a full-time teaching job.  And, that is when I bought my first house.  It was the day before Thanksgiving in 1997 when I closed on my house.  I continued teaching, working at O'Charleys, and then began my master's degree.  This is what I was busy doing when I met my husband, Eric.  We quickly fell in love but, due to selling a house, the Army's schedule, etc., we were married 1 year (to the month) after our first date.  I then began teaching at Ft. Campbell.  We were pregnant by our first wedding anniversary.  Shortly after D's birth, Eric deployed to Iraq. He returned only to help our family move to South Korea.  We had a tough but rewarding experience there.  That is where we conceived RJ and she was 2 when we moved back to the states.  Before our return to the states in 2006, I had spend little time thinking about who I am.  But, that is where it began.  I returned to work in 2007 (after taking 3 years off between 2003 and 2006, and working 1 year in Korea.).  I worked full-time as a teacher from 2007-10.  Then, I went part-time.  But, the duty of a military wife called and I felt the calling to be a SAHM.  So, who am I?  I am a woman striving to be a good Christian.  I think my first job is that of  a wife and mother. I am a sister and friend.  I enjoy reading books, helping others, and have actually enjoyed getting more exercise lately!  I am someone who should slow down and smell the roses. I need to ask for help more but am proud when I can do things myself. (got that one from Mom!)  I should forgive more and judge less.  I should have more patience with my children and hug them more.  I am someone who is trying to learn to relax and breathe deeply.  I want to simplify my life by getting rid of excessive baggage (belongings, negativity, and the past).  I need to learn to keep my mouth shut when it isn't nice but speak up more when I feel like someone has walked all over me.  I am very proud of my family.  I am proud to be a military wife.  I am more in love with my husband today than I was 10 years ago when we married.  I am proud to be a mom to my 2 sweet girls.  They wear me out and make me crazy but I wouldn't trade either for anything else in the world.  So, simply put...I am a product of my upbringing with the good and bad experiences.  I am blessed.  I am complete...  I will learn how to sit back and soak it all in so it doesn't pass by like a blur in the night.  I am one lucky gal!  Thanks to all who have been part of making me who I am!

Balance.......

  I tend to do too much.  I can love too much, work too much, play too much.... But, what I can't seem to figure out is how to balance it all.  I work so hard that I fail to enjoy the day to day with my kids and hubby.  I play so hard that nothing gets done in the house until I hit a point where I am ready to freak out (which does happen) and can't do anything else until the house is done.  I try to stay on that balance beam and keep focused on what's ahead while juggling a million things at the same time.  Sometimes, like today, I fall off.  I have to wipe myself off, ignore the bruises, and get back on that balance beam.  But, it hurts.  It hurts to fall off and yell at your kids.  It hurts to fall off and worry about stuff you have no control over.  It hurts to fall off because you look down instead of ahead.  Each of those events give you another bruise.  Some days, I am black and blue.  Other days, I can get all those bruises healed and I am totally focused on what's ahead.  So, I want to know....am I the only one who struggles with this?  I was at dance tonight and one mom told her daughter, "Back up, you are on my last nerve." (This was after her telling her daughter to back up about a half dozen times)  I told her that she was my new BFF.  She thought I was offended.  But, I was relieved.  I am not striving to be a perfect mom or wife or person in general.  I know I have my flaws.  And, believe me, I have friends who harass me about some of them! :)  But, I want to achieve balance.  I am now into my 3rd week as a SAHM.  I am walking with a friend a few times a week, I have eaten with a few friends here and there.  But, now I am to the point where I need to find out what I want...what I need...  In order to do this, I have to stop on the balance beam and take a seat.  I have to dangle my legs over the edge and look around.  Which direction do I want to go?  Need to go?  I have just gotten accustomed to having complete silence in the house.  I like to sit in the living room and read.  It is nice.  It helps me relax.  Now I need to listen.  As I continue on this journey called life, I know I will fall.  I am just thankful I have good friends and family who are there to help "spot" me. (Especially when Eric is away.)  I have two healthy, well-adjusted, smart, girls.  I am very blessed and need to just breathe.........and look ahead!

Much needed FUN weekend

So, no one got sick this weekend!  ;)  We started the weekend with Zumba at the Y with our Zumba buddies, the Borske Family.  The regular instructor wasn't there so Melanie wasn't in her groove!  But, I had a great time!  (Ok, so...I sucked but it was fun!!)  Then, over to their house for beer and pizza.  Saturday morning began on the cold soccer field.  It is not because the temperature was bad, but just the wind on the field.  Each girl scored a goal and were very pleased with themselves!  We ran home and ate lunch.  We changed and went to the dance studio open house.  We took our friends Sherrill (mom) and Tiffany (daughter who is interested in dance).  After that, we ran to a baby shower.  We were the last to arrive but brought the champagne for mimosas and, unfortunately, the first to leave.  We went over to Blackhorse for dinner.  This is a great brew pub in downtown Clarksville.  It is great food.  We met the Borske family there.  We went home and, evidently, the girls weren't tired enough.  So, they invited the girls across the street over.  So...bike riding, Kids Choice Awards, and many laughs were shared.  Sunday was nice.  We went to church for the first time since E left.  It was great for me but the girls didn't enjoy the church service part....  Lunch with the Bergmann family (Sherrill, Birdog, Drayton, and Tiffany).  Then, to their house to play in the creek, woods, and house.  It was a lot of fun. Drayton was in my kindergarten class when I taught at Ft. C in 2001-2002.  I am glad we have kept in touch with this great family!  I feel very refreshed after my first week as a SAHM and great weekend!  So, all those who are worried about me, I hope you don't worry so much.  I never mean to make people worry about me.  But, I still want to give an accurate portrayal of what the wives (and families) of deployed soldiers go through.  Unfortunately, it ain't always great.  But, it is just life...the life I have chosen...the life I am proud of...  So, I will have good and bad days/weeks/months....... Keep the prayers coming.  I can use them EVERY day!!!  :)

And...the winner is...ME!

And, you're thinking, "Wow! Amy won something!" or "What did she win?"  I won "The Worst Mother in the World Award!"  How did I win this?  I spent my morning getting my hair done...my stylist is good but s-l-o-w...Then, I followed that with a wonderful, relaxing lunch at Pancho Villa with my dear friend, Martha, whom I haven't seen since she began radiation due to Hodgkins Lymphoma.  Next, I went to the new Gyn office to make an appointment.  Why didn't I just call?  Because the machine says that you have to come in in person to receive the forms before they make you an appointment!  So, after an hour in the office filling out forms and waiting while the secretary types all 5 pages into a computer format on her computer...and finally make me an appointment.  After making the appointment, she had to get me a username and password for her database.  When I got home, I had to spend another 45 minutes filling out my medical history online.  I know, I know...this is more efficient for the doctor's office.  But, dang, it's like the "self check-out" lane at Wal-Mart and Kroger.  I DON'T USE THEM UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!! And, since my previous Gyn was in the wrong "region" and insurance finally figured it out, I can't go see her.  See, she knows me, my mom, sisters, children.... 

When the girls got home, they got a 15 minute reprieve from work before they started their homework.  Well, 30 minutes if you include dinner at 4:30... They don't have much but the spelling works have kicked their butts!  So, after dinner, was spelling pre-test #3.  (they stunk!!) Off to soccer for RJ in the cold.  This was followed by having them have a snack because they were "starving!!!!!!!" After snack (and supposedly writing the spelling words they missed 10x each), I found out they didn't write their words!!!  Before you start judging me about 10x is too many...It starts with 3 on Tuesday, 5 on Wednesday, and 10 on Thursday.  Well, after RJ failed the pretest after NOT writing the words like she said she did, I lost it!  And, this is where the award comes in........I had to call MY Mom to calm me down.  I just couldn't believe that it was Thursday night and we are still missing the same words and it is because you didn't write the words 5x each like you said you did (liar!!) and you didn't write them 10x each tonight!!! So, I TOTALLY LOST IT!!! Really, I am a Mom and I have a Master's Degree in Education and my kids think that they can "sneak" and not do their homework????  REALLY?????  Don't think so.

So, of course it got worse before it got better.  I feel so bad when I get upset with them but I believe if they listened to me the first time and did what I said, they would do better on the pre-test today.  They will pay by getting up 10 minutes earlier tomorrow morning and take another pretest and see where we are.  I really love my kids and I am so glad that they are smart.  If they had learning disabilities, I would understand...but they are just being stubborn.

We are still trying to get settled into this new routine that started on February 6th!  Something changes every week.  Tomorrow night is Zumba followed by beer and pizza with friends...  I am ready!  And, I am going to bring my "Worst Mother of the Year" award with me!!!  It can only get better, right???  Routine is around the corner right????????

Day1=success@SAHM

Well, my alarm was to go off at 7:00 but I was up before then.  I got the girls up at 7:15 and our day began.  I had their lunches ready, breakfast served and we were out the door at 8:00.  I took them since it was their first day at the new school.  I could tell that D was nervous.  But, RJ wasn't really showing it.  By 8:30, I was home.  So, I cleaned, talked to a dear friend (as we tried to decide whether to go walking or not!~~we didn't!!), cleaned some more, ran to Kroger's, dropped a bag at Goodwill, went to the library, ran up to the neighbor's house, and mowed the yard.  Thank goodness I had a crock pot recipe so I was able to have dinner ready when the girls got home.  We then went through homework folders, ate, and went to dance.  I had a meeting at church while they were at dance.  When we got home we took turns reading to mommy/taking a bath alone!  It was nice to have each child alone tonight. 

The girls loved their school and I loved how patient I was with them.  Backpacks are packed and ready by the front door.  The non-perishables are packed in the lunchbox...  Wow!  I know I will mess up soon! 

Tomorrow I am a sub at my old job.  I have missed the kids but glad it's only for a day.  I want to enjoy more me time!

Spring break...Oh My!

For those of you who follow me on FB know that we have been on spring break this week.  We did take our spring break a little early (taking advantage of their last days as home-schooled kids).  So, Thursday and Friday we spent in Nashville to see my Grandmother (who is 88) and to take in a Predators hockey game.  It was a great time!  It is amazing that we have 4 generations!

Then, I gardened over the weekend and got the outside of the house ready for spring.  Then, the full swing of spring break kicked in!  Monday was spent with getting D her haircut, lunch, and 2 different playdates.  Tuesday we got D's glasses to match her Kit (American Girl) Doll.  We then went on another playdate. :)  We spent the afternoon outside and chatting!  Wednesday I met a girlfriend, Kristy, and spent the rest of the afternoon with my Dad. (And, Mom later in the day) On Thursday, we went to the Adventure Science Museum with my friend, Kendall, and kids.  Later I went to my first ever art event at Artifacts (here in downtown Clarksville) and it was fun.  Today, I added a kid and we went to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules .  It was a cute movie.  I really love the playdates that we have had this week since they were cheap and the Mommies and I had a good time!

My girls went to the counselor yesterday.  I previously posted that I set it up through Military One Source.  Their website,  www.militaryonesource.com, is a great resource for military families.  It has a ton of information for the spouse and children as well as the active duty family member.  And, if you haven't seen my previous blog, the Department of Defense offers (through Military One Source-MOS) 12 free counseling sessions (which is a better deal than Tricare).  They are tracking how many deployments the active duty family member is on (or completed) for data.  I can save them the money and time and tell them that as the number of deployments increase, the stress on the children increases.  The children get older and have a better hold on what is happening.  But, our counselor is wonderful.  She is working around the girls' school schedule.  She has worked in the Ft. Campbell and Clarksville-Montgomery County School Systems.  The girls also responded well to her.  What a relief for me and glad that they will get relief.

I finally had my first deployment meltdown today.  I couldn't answer the phone (with E calling), take the back off of the cash register (which requires a tiny screwdriver) and make the girls stop arguing at the same time.  That just was it.  So, I answered the phone (#1 importance), put the cash register on the stairs in the basement---which later got kicked down the stairs because I could still hear the shrill!), and yelled at the girls!  Then, I began crying.  I have read in many sources that we are supposed to let our husbands believe that the homefront is ok and we are ok and life is ok and nothing is wrong.  But, things are wrong!  He is supposed to be here to go to the basement to get the tiny screwdriver while I yell at the girls!  He is supposed to be here while I sleep, not my 6 y.o. who is having nightmares!  He is supposed to mow the lawn-not me!  He is supposed to arrange to get the mulch and lay it-not me!!  I am supposed to keep the house clean (which isn't happening)!  I am supposed to do the laundry!  I am supposed to set up all the bills to be paid and decide what we can and can't afford with his support... We are not ok with out him!  I married my husband because I didn't want to be without him.  I married him because he is part of me and means the world to me.  I married him because he calms me down, makes me laugh, and is the other 50% of the "parent" portion in our family.  We are a family of 4, not a family of 3.  So, to pretend that we are ok while running on 75% of our family (which is a D on the grading scale for our school system), is NOT OK!  75% is not satisfactory... 75% is not thriving...  So, when we have our other 25% back, we will have a great balance in our family.  2 parents+2 kids=Johnston Family  So, I don't go into all details with him but...I also can't fake it.

This is why tomorrow night, I will have a night alone.  I think I will sit at home and watch TV and drink a beer.  ;)

Yeah to spring break and YEAH to having spring break come to an end and a new era beginning for us.

Hard work!

I am exhausted after a weekend of yard work.  Usually, Eric would mow the yard while I was inside working on stuff (and checking facebook here and there...).  But, this weekend, I mowed the yard AND went through spring/summer clothes with the kids!  Today, I trimmed 15 bushes, cut back 2 knock out roses, planted 3 boxwood bushes, 3 something or others....20 something of some bulb plant and 24 tulips.  WOW!!!  I am soo tired!!  I am sore!  I miss my husband!!!  I can't believe that this is spring break already!  I have playdates and stuff planned for every day but Friday this week.  I can't believe how blessed we are to have such good friends! 

The girls are excited but a little apprehensive about starting their new school.  I am so glad that they will start in a week and I can be a mom only.  I can already feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders by not having any lesson plans, school work, etc. hanging over my shoulders.  I have found out that each girl will know people in their class.  I am glad that they each know someone.  I think it is so great that although they are changing schools, this will be an easier transition. 

I am able to talk to Eric many nights a week.  I feel very blessed that we have good communication abilities while he is away.  I am also feeling blessed that he and I have such a strong relationship that we can talk about nothing or something serious but still feel secure that we are always going to be married.  It makes this transition easier. 

Say a prayer for all of our troops tonight!  They aren't able to pray with their children tonight but need our prayers daily!

spring forward.........

So, as we spring forward, I know I am losing an hour of sleep. But, I am hoping that I gain rest.  After helping down at my parents' house today, I decided to take my parents up on the offer to leave the girls with them.  So, D and RJ are down in Nashville sleeping with their wonderful grandparents!  And, I am trying to figure out what to do without the girls.  I know...SLEEP!!!  LOL  I have had two dinners away without the girls since February 5th.  But, that's it.  As I spring forward, I am looking forward to all that life has in store.  As we end one chapter, we must begin a new one. I finished a chapter as a mom/teacher/dad/nurse/counselor, and will begin a chapter as a mom/nurse(hopefully not necessary for a while)/homework support...  I  look forward to being able to read books, take walks, and clean house.  I know...cleaning house will get monotonous and I will miss the adult conversation I get when working.  But, I am hoping that the trade off  is a much happier mom and one who has more patience.  I am looking forward to beginning this new chapter and writing its pages.  I hope each one of you look at this "springing forward" time as a time to explore what you really want out of life. As we are in the season of  Lent as well, look deep and analyze what you are doing that is working and what you are doing that is not working.   What do you want in your marriage, family, spiritual life, emotionally, and physically.  Then, go for it!!!  You can't write the chapter if you don't experience all that it has to offer!  The pages are blank and ready to be written.  Get the pen and enjoy writing! 

Down to the wire......

So, tomorrow is "the day."  It is my last day at work.  The parents and students know and I feel so much guilt about leaving them.  But, today I talked to one of my student's dad.  He asked what was happening.  I think he wanted to make sure that his kid would still be in good hands.  He told me that he respected me even more knowing that I am leaving because my kids and my family come first.  That made me tear up.  This is not something I ever expected coming from this parent.  He is nice but not forthcoming with emotions.

As I am looking forward to being only a mom, I have had to also look at the way my children are handling this deployment.  It has been harder on them than the last one.  Is it because they are older?  Is it because he was always basically home except for a few weeks here and there before the last deployment.  But, then he was only home for 14 months between 12 month deployments?  I am just not sure. D is very angry and it is affecting her confidence at school.  RJ just said, "Mom, if Sissy talks to someone, can I talk to someone too?"  I said, "Sure."  She said, "Because when I'm not crying on the outside, I am still crying on the inside."   I talked to E about it when he called and the next day I called Military One Source http://www.militaryonesource.com/ and set up a counseling session for the girls.  They have a ton of online resources.  But, one thing that they do offer is a set of 12 sessions of counseling (family, marriage, child...) for free.  I called, gave my basic information and they called a specific place in town and we set it up.  Military One Source is now tracking the number of deployments the active duty servicemember is on while asking questions.  I am sure that because these sessions are funded by the Dept. of Defense, they want to know how these deployments are affecting families.  I don't think that it will change the rate at which they are deploying soldiers or for how long but, they want to say they are at least studying it.  I don't have a degree in psychology (only 15 hrs. of undergrad in it) and I can tell you that as the number of deployments increase, the number of problems psychologically increase.....

As a Mom I feel like I have failed my kids because I can't help them cope.  But, as a Person, I know that these services are there so they can be used.  I just need to put the girls first and do whatever it takes to be a happy, healthy family!  (despite the desire to hunt down Uncle Sam and knock him upside the head!)

1 month down.................

So, we somehow survived the first month.  I am really not sure how we survived all three of us being sick, snow days, and the MOUSE!!!  But, there we were getting ready to head to Atlanta.  We left school and stopped to get a few things at the Rite-Aid before we picked up Mrs. Barbara and Chalan.  Well, surprise, surprise, the clerk (Bob) started acting weird. Then, began shaking.  The shaking got bad and I ran back to the pharmacy to get the pharmacist.  Well, come to find out, Bob has diabetes and was going into diabetic shock.  So, I had to call 911 as the pharmacist is trying to get glucose in his system.  After the ambulance was there, I decided to check out (since there was someone now available to check us out.)  I pray he is ok.  I need to go in and check on him.  Our plan was to get to the American Girl Doll store for dinner.  But, we didn't make it.  We did make it in time to shop!  Then, we partied 1/2 the night in the hotel with the dance kids/moms.  We got up and rehearsed, ate lunch, and performed!  We ate dinner, watched part of the performance for the evening and then partied some more!  ;)  Sunday were classes and they took a hip hop and a jazz class.  We were then able to spend time with friends in Atlanta.  The girls played for a few hours and then we headed home.  Besides the girls bickering with each other, it was a great weekend!!!  So, this is my last week at work and I can tell my stress level is so high that I need a break.  I am mom, dad, teacher, and everything....  But, this will soon end....and, we will get back onto a schedule that works for everyone....  Thanks to all my supporters...I couldn't do it without you!!! 

Guilt Gone...Still Overwhelmed

So, the guilt is gone and I got D the Tamiflu today.  And, she threw it up!  She threw it up on the way to the car dealership because I couldn't get one of the back row seats to work right!  I had to figure it out!!  So, on the way, I had turned right onto College St. from Riverside Dr.  I was past the 4-way stop but before the stoplight at N. 2nd St.  Well, there it came...the apples she ate for lunch!  I had just cleaned the van out and the rubber floor mats.  I pulled over to the side of the road, put on my hazards, gave her napkins, and unlocked the door.  She stood outside on the sidewalk and threw up the rest she had in her.  She got back in the van a little gray but feeling much better...  I had traffic totally stopped at the stop sign behind me!  We both totally forgot that the windows rolled down in the back of our van.  (The 2003 Odyssey didn't have that feature)  I felt so bad that I couldn't get out and help her.  She was such a big girl!!  :(  We went to the dealership and found out where I made the mistake and I felt like an idiot!!  We got home and she said she wasn't sick anymore!  Should I give her more Tamiflu or not?  Who knows?  Guess I will have to deal with that later!
We weren't able to take D to her ENT appt today since she was running a fever.  The audiology exam would have been invalid with all the head congestion she had.  We get to go on Wednesday.  Since we are in charge of Wednesday Night Supper at church, we have to let the rest of our team handle the responsibilities without us.  I do feel bad not being able to do it all.  But, I know I can't.  I am one person, I have two children, and a job for 2 more weeks. 
So, tomorrow, I will be working on getting D well while RJ is at school.  They both need to be in school.  We NEED to have a routine since it's been 23 days since he left!  I normally am in a routine in 5-7 days.  So, hopefully, we will get in a routine soooonnnn..........  Otherwise, I may crawl into my bed and not come out.... Oh yeah...that's not an option!  I guess I will keep going and keep smiling!!!

mommy guilt....x10

So, after being up late and waking up numerous times in the night, I was allowed to sleep in late by D.  She was up just before 8 and she let me sleep until about 9:30.  RJ didn't get up until 10:15!  But, by 11 am, D was asking me to take her temperature.  Well, sure enough, she had a fever. I did what the NP told me to do and called the office as soon as she (D) started running a fever...  Since it was a Saturday, I talked to the answering service.  A nurse called me back.  I told her what was going on and she called the Dr.  A few minutes later, she called me back and said that the Dr. wanted her to call in Tamiflu.  I gave her the name and number of the pharmacy out by us.  Being a smart and caring Mom, I wanted to make sure she got as much rest as she could.  I was to take RJ to meet another Mommy and she was going to take her to K's 8th birthday party. We were to meet at the gas station at 2:30.  Perfect!  I would go drop RJ and on the way home (not having to cross the street) I would stop and get D's rx.  The drop off of RJ went as planned.  But, when I got into the pharmacy parking lot, I suddenly realized there wasn't a car in the lot! (There is a grocery store right there so there were cars in front of the grocery store but none near the pharmacy.)  Since the only time D has had a prescription in the last 2-3 years was for her post-op from tubes (back in '08) I had no idea that the pharmacy closed at 1:00. I spent the next 2 hours getting myself more and more upset because I should have found that out and I should have gotten her medicine for her.  After working myself almost to tears, I called the Dr. office again.  I also got the call back from the nurse on call.  Sweet Brenda (the on-call nurse) had to listen to me semi-freak out because I was here making these decisions and if only I had put the girls in the car earlier and gone up there...and now all 3 of us have been sick since E deployed on the 5th...How is this possible?  I am the worst mom--EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! She reassured me that I wasn't the worst mom, and sorry my husband is gone and tell him thanks for his service and thanks for your sacrifice.  Well, she said she would call the Dr. and see if he said to call it in to another pharmacy but if insurance wouldn't pay because the other pharmacy had already filled the prescription, it would be around $100.  And, it would only save her about 24 hours of suffering...
With a new perspective (between Brenda and my neighbor, Lori) I decided I needed to suck it up and realize it wasn't the worst thing I have ever done or will do and let D just be sick until she is well.  I am taking her to the Dr. on Monday and will verify if it is the flu or not.  And, I just need to believe in myself.  Even my poor mom felt bad for me.  She wanted me to put the girls in the car and come to her house. (An hour away) so she could help.  What a sweet Mom!!!! 
So, between my decision to quit my job and switch their schools and not picking up the rx, I know this has been an emotional week.  I guess I needed something to allow it all to come out.  I still feel guilty about it all but realize children are resilient and will survive.  And, as parents, we must all give our children a reason to see a shrink as adults.  (I tell this to other parents to keep them from worrying, why don't I tell myself the same thing???)
What a day.............ready for a healthy tomorrow...or maybe the next day..........

Doing what's best...without regrets....

As a mom, I have learned that every decision I make affects those two girls I call D and RJ.  When D was born, we were awaiting orders for Eric to go to Iraq.  So, I kept teaching kindergarten and didn't try to stay at home since I couldn't imagine being at home with an infant and a husband who never comes home.  But, by the time the school year was over and D was 5 1/2 months old, E had orders to S. Korea.  So, I didn't return and took 2 school years off.  Well, that 2nd school year off was when I delivered RJ.  I returned back to work for one year while we were there.  It was great but still hard to balance being a teacher and a mom.  Both are professions that no one allows you to slack.
When we returned to the states, I took off a year but sutbbed at the mother's day out program the girls attended.  And, by the next school year, I was ready to be using the "professional" side of my brain.  With two preschoolers, I was going crazy with the continual need to clean, feed, laundry, clean, and feed.  So, in my infinite wisdom, I returned back to work as a teacher full-time. 
This proved to be both a good and bad decision.  I was able to use my "professional" brain more and still use my "mommy" brain.  But, the longer I worked, the more I had to be teacher and less time I had to be Mom.  But, because I worked at this particular school, I met the friends that supported me through the last deployment.  They helped with the girls and my mental health!  So, I quit that job and decided to work at a facility that offered homeschool support and tutoring. 
This has been a great opportunity  to learn more about what is out there and meet more great people.  But, after driving back and forth across town and not able to do the things I feel like I need to as a mom, I have made the decision to stay at home.  This has been something I have thought about since around Christmas.  The problem? If I pull the kids out of this setting, they will be missing out on the dance/arts they receive during the school day.  They will miss their friends. They will have a huge adjustment.
As luck would have it, Mrs. Christy, the dance instructor (whom the girls have danced with for a number of years) is going to open in a new studio in a few weeks.  So, that sealed the deal.  (Along with seeing what all I could get done with staying at home this week!) 
I handed in my resignation today and will stop working on March 18th. (The last day before spring break)  The girls will start their new elementary school on the Monday after spring break.   I want to try to be a mom first and a professional second.  I want to do some things for me and volunteer more.  I am so glad that I have been afforded this opportunity by my wonderful husband.
Without the support of my husband, family, and friends, I would not have been able to do this.  Each provides support in ways that I need.  I am so excited about this wonderful opportunity. 
So, with guilt (although I have been told that I should not feel it) and pleasure....I am going to be a SAHM!!!!  :)
Thanks everyone!!!  Love you all!!!

"Sick" cleaning=early spring cleaning

With a sick kid at home and the other at school, I had time to clean out the girls' bedrooms.  I was able to clean sheets yesterday and remake the beds.  But, spent the rest of my time on the main living spaces.  So, today I was able to attack the bedrooms without anyone saying, "No, don't get rid of that!" or "I will wear that one day!"  And, my all time favorite, "But, I got that at....It means soooooo much to me!"  It looks so much better in their bedrooms and hopefully I will be able to keep it up.  I have been busy thinking as well. What do I want? What will work best for our family?  What can we afford?  Can I afford to be a SAHM?  How can I save money?  Where do I want our family to go?  How can I continue this trend of the girls dealing with the deployment well?  What am I doing right?  What am I doing wrong? 

So, as you can see, this has been very cathartic for me.  I have cleaned my house and cleansed my soul!  In the next week or so, I will reveal some of my plans.....I will reveal the epiphanies I have had.  But, it's not totally ready yet. 

All of this in time for Lent (begins Mar. 9)!  I must decide what to God has in store for us during that time.  I am open and ready for God to speak to me and lead the way! And, yes, God, I am listening to what you have been telling me for the last few months!  I am finally ready to act so stop stomping your feet and making our air cold down here.  I am ready to act on it!!! 

Reaching out

I had decided to work part time for many reasons this year.  But, the only way I have been volunteering is through the FUEL program at our church.  So, as this school year continues, and my stage of life is changing, I wanted to spend this blog discussing ways to help service members.  It really doesn't take much for those who live near a military post/base.  One thing that was recently done for me is that I was in a Hallmark store in Hermitage, TN (near my parents' house) and I was purchasing one of the recordable books.  The nice gentleman who was helping me, gave me pointers to make the  book sound better and the quality of the product enhanced.  I said, "I will write this down for my  husband.  I am sending the books to him in Afghanistan and he will ship them back to our girls."  He said, "This is the most I can do but, I can give you a 20% discount to help with the shipping costs overseas and back."  Although this is monetary, there are many ways to help military families without spending a dime.  Just asking the wife of a deployed soldier out for coffee, dinner, etc.  Offer your child (if age appropriate) to babysit her children while she goes shopping, to a movie, or dinner.  The kids enjoy the break from Mom and Mom enjoys the break without worrying...  :)  So, I am attaching some links for each of you to view.  If so inclined, reach out.  Our girl scout troop is sending over any "donated" boxes of cookies to Eric's unit in Afghanistan.  I don't think we have sold that many but the economy is bad and most don't have an extra $3.50 to donate to any cause.

The following is the Blue Star Mothers.  I have a dear friend of our family who is very involved in this organization.  There are many chapters throughout the US. http://www.bluestarmothers.org

The next one is the VFW (Veteran's of Foreign War) website.  And, who would know better what a service member needs than someone who has served.  www.returnthefavor.org

Another website is great for assistance in being a foster parent to a pet, sending USO care packages, and sending items to wounded service members at Walter Reed. www.hereinreality.com/supportourtroops.html

For assistance to military families, www.military.com offers a lot of services.  They will assist you with many facets of the time apart (and getting life back on track once the service member returns).

There is a  PDF file that is titled 101 Ways To Help A Soldier. You can google it by using those words and it is at thehttp://www.ngaus.org/ website.  Many of these are FREE!!!!

Also, if you don't know anyone serving overseas, you can go to www.anysoldier.com and find ways.

I hope that these resources open your minds to ways that you and your family could help.  I love all of my supporters!!!  Couldn't do it without you!!!!

fun Sunday...

Well, D was up before 7!!! But, RJ slept until 10!!!  Yes, a full 12 hours!!!  That was good because she needed it but not good because we missed church.  I was really looking forward to getting back to church since I missed Wednesday night supper and I really need to get back into the message that God has for me this year!  And, I need to be around my Trinity friends! Eric got on Skype and we were able to see each other for a few minutes.  The girls got to see him too!  But, D got aggravated because the connection kept getting lost.  RJ didn't give up hope but was disappointed when we did.  What a change from the deplyment 2 years ago! We headed down to Nashville.  D, my dad and I went to get my dad a bike.  But, the store didn't have it.  So, a wasted adventure but nice time with my dad!!!  And, I got my van washed!  Then, off to dinner with teachers I taught with my first three years of teaching!  What a lifetime ago that was!!!  I was a teacher!  So, now, kids relaxing and (one asleep and one playing) and ready for bed myself!  Before 10 pm!!  :)

A better day........

So, I wrote my blog earlier last night because I was so exhausted.  I wanted to get some good sleep last night.  So, by 10:30 I was asleep...that was earlier than any other night since Eric left.  And, wouldn't you know it, the phone rang at 11:13 pm and had a 270 area code.... IT WAS ERIC!!!!!  I was so excited.  We talked about 15 minutes and hung up.  I was able to discuss part of what I needed to and it felt good.  Eric said that he would try to call this morning our time so that he could talk to the girls.  So, as soon as I was done in the shower, the phone rang again with that same 270 area code number.  D talked a lot to Eric but RJ didn't want to.  It really bothered D that RJ didn't want to talk to her dad.  Eric had to explain to D that she did the same thing when he was deployed the last time and that it was ok and he wasn't hurt.  After getting ready, we headed off to church for family pics.  Since we had them done a few months ago, we were just doing it for the directory.  I ended up ordering a cute picture of the girls.  They each looked "happy" to strangle each other.  But, because RJ had a fever yesterday, we went home immediately after.  RJ had not run a fever since last night. I gave her medicine at 1:00 am but not since.  We got home and relaxed for a while and then cleaned out the dresser drawers.  Because RJ stayed fever free all day, we joined friends for a Chuck-E-Cheese night.  Well, the fever came back about 7:30.  ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!  Oh well, Tylenol and Motrin are our friends again....  So, we are all in bed snuggling with D staying away from RJ.  Overall, it was a much better day.  I love that I can have good days that I don't worry about things.  I don't worry about Eric's health and safety, I am just happy here and don't feel like I have to worry about it.  I can enjoy time and enjoy my girls, my friends, and my family.... and, not feel guilty! 

Absence of calls, and now a fever...................

So, we haven't had any contact with Eric since Wednesday am...  I know that this is typical and he has been busy.  But, it doesn't make the lack of phone calls any easier.  It really isn't about the phone call itself.  It is about the complete emptiness I feel when I hear nothing.  It is hard to believe that we are back at this point. At the point where I accept going 24-72 hours without any communication as normal and acceptable.  I wait by the phone between 9-11 pm hoping that I hear the phone ring.  But, it hasn't.  I love that man more than life itself.  I hope that I hear from him tonight.  I have had a not-so-great day... I want to talk things over with him.  I have talked to a number of friends today to gain some perspective but the best person for that is that man I call my husband!  I want to tell him that RJ coughed all night and cried in her sleep.  I want to tell him that the dog wanted to sleep outside last night and didn't bark until I actually had fallen asleep at 5:00 am.  The last time I remember seeing the clock it was 3:30 or so.  I want to tell him that although she didn't have a fever this morning, she told me she didn't feel well. And, I know she wasn't feeling well.  Her normal temperature is low and her temperature this morning was 98.7.   I gave her some mucinex for the cough and off to school we went.  She was even in my boss' office during our staff meeting in another room.  She ran a fever even on Motrin and Tylenol.  She is feeling better with 2 doses of Tylenol and one of Motrin in her.  but, she still looks sick.  I want to tell him I wish he was here to help me, to hold me when I cry because our baby has a fever.  I want him here to help get up in the middle of the night so we keep the medicine in her.  I cannot imagine what someone must feel with the loss of a spouse.  I have known people who have lost their spouse in war. But, they have not been close friends.  So, I know that this must be a pain that is far worse than those that I am feeling.  I cannot imagine that feeling so I don't want to whine.  I feel like everyone has their own struggles and mine are not any larger than anyone else's.  Thank you for all of my friends and family that have supported me and continue to support me.  I could not do that without you!!!!!

the good, the bad, the phone call...

It's 7:58 and we are supposed to be out of the house at 8:00 to get to school.  The phone rings...must be Eric!  He is supposed to try and call one day this week so that the girls can say hello.  But, "Crap" I think...this isn't the best time...we are trying to get out of the house!!!  Come to find out, it is a friend (whose child I teach) telling me that her daughter (and my daughters' classmate) is sick and unable to come to school.  Then, "Crap" I think again...But, not because of C being sick but because it wasn't Eric and because I felt I was "too busy" to stop and talk to him.  I should never be too busy to stop and talk to him.  Dang!  What kind of wife is too busy to talk to her husband in Afghanistan?  (I know...some say it but...I think they exaggerate!)  Then, about 2/3 the way to school, the phone rings again (and I answer it using the car phone bluetooth system thingy) and it's Eric!!!  WHOOT!! WHOOT!!!!!!!  It's him and he wants to talk to the girls! This is awesome.  We have a great 10-15 minute conversation like he is down the road somewhere.  But, then, it's time to hang up so he can go eat. (It's 6:45 pm in Afghanistan now...) As we start to say good-bye, the girls say it first and then Eric...and I try to muster up the strength to say it without sounding as if I'm crying (although I am) and just saying "love you, bye."  But, he said "love you too, bye" and I said, "love you, bye."  (It's our thing...he says it first but puts too after it...just something we started about 5 years ago and it stuck.  It was totally by accident since I was usually the one to say it first so he jumped the gun once and I teased him about it.)  Anyways, I could tell that when he heard my voice, he knew I was tearing up because he chuckled and said, "love you, bye" again.  I hate to be weak and let him know how badly I miss him.  I know he misses me as much and has much worse conditions than I do.  How can I possibly cry?  I have the comforts of our house and the love of our girls right beside me every day. 

I was able to compose myself and make it into work ok.  After work, I found out that my former principal's sister had died last night.  This is hard news because she was such a nice person to so many around her.  I didn't know her very well but I know that the lives she impacted the most are going to miss her.

As planned a few weeks ago, a group of us from that school met for dinner.  I have to say it was a good mix of personality.  We all laughed until we wiped tears away, drank, ate, drank, ate, and laughed some more.  What a great way to spend an evening!  And, it was topped off by me snuggling with my girls until they fell asleep.  And, like a bad Army wife, I am going to let them spend the night in my bed tonight.  When Eric deployed the first time and I worked full-time, I felt so much stress that I didn't take the time to cherish them. I have realized how much I love to hear them breathe, snore, and wiggle at night.  I am choosing to relish this time together and enjoy every moment of them right now.  I know that in a few short years we all won't be able to sleep in the bed together and they wouldn't want to be here if they were paid! So, I want to enjoy this moment-tonight! 

Say a prayer for those around you.  You never know what they are going through.  And, if you are "friends" with an Army family and a parent is deployed....Don't ask how we are.  We have a part of our family missing and our hearts ache every moment of every day.  We will tell you we are fine and that things are going well.  Now, if you are true to goodness friend, you will know how we are by looking at our faces.  You will be able to tell if we are sick, tired, or having a good day or a bad one.  You will begin by talking about something besides our missing family member. 

Again, I love all of my family and friends.  I could not do this without you.  God has put each one of you in my life for a reason!  :)

Physically worn out, Emotionally happy!

So, Sunday night, I received my first phone call from Eric.  We had a nice, long, chat.  It was wonderful to hear his voice.  We laughed about the mouse and about my fear and overcoming obstacles in the year and how I can be strong and I MUST rely on others to help me get through the next few weeks.....the next many, many, many weeks!!!!!!  I just want to be strong for the girls and for myself.  But, when I am sick..everyone suffers!!  I was happy to receive the pre-Valentine's Day call.  (on the day in his time zone)  So, I was on a high going into Valentine's Day.  But, of course, I woke up feeling TERRIBLE!  And, knowing that the day is what I make it--alone in the romance dept--but need to make good memories for my girls.  So, I tried to get in the mood.  I even made heart shaped dinner!

So, I got another phone call on Valentine's Day night.  It was so sweet but we had talked for 30 minutes the night before but I actually ran out of things to say about what was happening here...I asked questions regarding the email I received from him but for the life of me couldn't think of anything interesting to say happened here.  How does that happen?  I love to talk!  I love to tell him about my day!  But, the longer the deployment goes on, the less I have to say.  This happens every time.  I departmentalize my day and try to weed out the "junk" from the important stuff.  I start with important stuff and work my way down to total junk.  But, by the time I get to "junk" it seems like a waste of his time.  I think about how stupid the stuff must sound when he hears it and is sleeping in a shipping container (20' long) with another guy (and he is lucky because most are sleeping 3 to a "room").  So, it doesn't seem important to say, "I went to the PX and the lady was really rude."  I mean, really??  That's important?  NO!!!

And, the girls... Well D (8 y.o.) is doing better with this deployment than she did the last.  She was 6 during the last deployment and she didn't do too well.  She hasn't had a crying for daddy attack yet although she has a shorter fuse right now.  But, RJ (6 y.o.) is having a hard time.  The last time she was 4 and handled it like  a champ.  She didn't even cry when he left to return to Afghanistan from R/R.  So, what is the change?  What is it with the age?  Is it only girls this age?  Or boys too?  Does it depend on the moon phase and time of deployment?  Is there something I can do to change it?  RJ even came to my bedroom last night (I think last night) and said, "Mommy, is there such a thing as Daddy sickness because I miss him so much that my tummy hurts."  It breaks my heart.  So, what is an Army wife to do?  Act like a Mom while thinking like a Dad...or act like a Dad when needed and think like a Mom....  Who knows???  If you do....share your secrets!  (BTW, I do know those "tricks" in books, magazines, and online....)

Enjoy your night and hopefully tomorrow will be another sunny day and I can recover even more!

Gross Exaggeration!

So, according to www.dictionary.com, gross can mean a multitude of things.  #10-Slang . extremely objectionable, offensive, or disgusting and #6-large, big, or bulky.  Today I am going to discuss both of them...  Let's start with the latter definition...Large, big, bulky... I am thinking about how large a job this is to raise my precious girls without my husband, soulmate, and biggest asset!  I cannot believe how big things seem when I can't rely on Eric to help me with them.  He gets to do some of the "fun" things like making calls to Cingular.  Everything I touched today seemed to fall apart.  I spilled things, dropped things, burned cookies, and constantly felt like I had snot running out of my nose!  And, speaking of the gross "fun" things he doesn't get to help with leads me to the other gross.  And, although this definition is the one that we think of first, it is the one that makes me the weakest!  And, with this story being so gross I have to begin on Thursday.  I found mouse poop in all of our bedrooms. (We have a basement, main floor with master, and upstairs with the other bedrooms)  I also found mouse droppings in a drawer in the house.  So, I called Servall Pest Control who does our quarterly service.  And, because of snow, the technicians weren't working.  I was lucky enough to have a technician who needed his check and is a neighbor!  So, he stopped by.  He laid out poison packets in places the dog/girls couldn't get to, sticky traps downstairs, and these "bait houses."  If you've never seen one, they look rectangular and the mouse can climb in, eat poison, get thirsty and go outside to drink and die!  So, Thursday night I heard the mouse and saw him in the "bait house" and freaked!  I was talking to my mom on the phone and ended up calling my neighbor, Mike, over to help me.  To no avail....  So, Friday night was spent in Nashville-sans mice! Yesterday, no mouse droppings in any of the upstairs bedrooms.  :)  But, last night...scratch, scratch, scratch as I heard the mouse in the house.  I was not feeling well and fell back asleep.  Today Mr. Mouse was found in the drawer in the kitchen.  I removed the washcloths and put them in the washer AGAIN and moved a sticky trap in the drawer.  So, within an hour I caught the mouse-GROSS!!!!!!!!!! So, my neighbor, Chad, had the chore opportunity to remove it for me!  Now, I moved a sticky trap in my bedroom.  So, if there is another mouse I will catch it and will return to Mighty Mike to remove it!  (I really need to spread the wealth!!)  So, am I strong? Yes!  Am I Army strong?  No way!!  But, with the support of great family and friends, I will pretend to be and will survive another 11 1/2 months!!!  HOOAH!!!!!!!! (and, really, really, really gross!!!!!!!)

Am I sick, Saturday...

Well, since we had our 4th snow day of the week yesterday, I went to Nashville to see my parents.  The plan was to give the girls a couple of hours with Grandma and Grandpa and I would help my sister, Julie, when the movers were there.  As with all "best laid plans" this one didn't quite work out the way I expected. I saw my Dad and checked on his shoulder.  Of course, he said he was in some pain but ok.  He was making soup!  Then, I headed to my sister's sans daughters.  Since she wasn't back at her "old" apartment yet, I headed to shop!  :)  After an hour, I felt like I needed to get to Julie's and headed that way.  The movers were to be there between 12 and 2.  They began to work at 5:20!!!  By that time, I made one trip to her "new" apartment.  Finally, we made it to the "new" apartment and I assisted in unpacking boxes and setting up house.  We finally made it back to Mom and Dad's about 8:30ish via Wal-Mart...  :)  We ate dinner and Julie left.  I took benedryl and headed to bed.  Riley Jo came in after I went to bed and said, "I can't sleep, I miss Daddy."  The benedryl had kicked in and I said all I could think of, "Well, since your Daddy is gone, go ask MY Daddy if you can snuggle with him."  It was the sweetest thing when she asked.  "Grandpa, my Daddy can't snuggle with me right now and I miss him.  Can I snuggle with you?"  The last I saw, Grandpa had 2 girls in his bed and none were Grandma!  I am not sure how they got to their beds but I guess Grandma took care of it.  I woke up this morning not feeling much better, but at least I slept about 7 straight hours.  We headed back to Clarksville so the girls could practice dance.  After dance, we headed home and relaxed.  I got a bee in my bonnet and we headed to the movies and saw "Justin Bieber, Never Say Never" and ate Mexican for dinner.  YUMMY but I still feel terrible.  I guess Nyquil tonight and pray that neither kid needs me!  :)  The life of a soldier's wife.  I have been well all school year until now!  DUH!  I can't wait for church tomorrow though... :)

For Savannah

So, today I didn't do so well!  I woke up with a sore throat, stuffy nose, and 2 girls that still need their Mama!  So, after having coffee, and making cereal for the girls, I finally got going.  The Servall Pest Control guy came by about 2 and laid bait and traps and poison for the mouse (or mice) that have made it into my warm, spacious and lovely abode!  (And, into my girls' bedrooms!!) GROSS!!!!  It is so gross and I feel so yucky about it.  But, I know if you live in the country and have a nice warm house in the winter, they like where you are!  After he left, I continued cleaning out what I wanted to...laundry room, closet (E's stuff only)....  But, after I found out that there was another snow day tomorrow...I lost it!!!  I know that there are snow covered streets in our county and it isn't safe for all kids to go to school but dang!!!!  I need a routine!!!  My Dad had surgery today on his shoulder and I wanted so desperately to get down to him.  I didn't dare go down today. I felt guilty for not being there and kept texting my mom about how Dad was doing.  His body did well with the surgery until he was trying to come out of the anetheseia.  He didn't really want to wake up.  But, that is to be expected, I am sure, since he was recently sick for about 7-10 days.  So, we will see.   I will head down there tomorrow and see Mom and Dad and go help my sister, Julie, get moved.  I still haven't heard from my wonderful husband.  But, I know he is very busy.  He is a great man and we do have the agreement that he is NOT to wait in line to call.  And, he is to make sure others have a chance.  He knows I can handle it.  I can handle it and accept it but it doesn't mean I have to like it!  :)  I decided to go to dinner with the girls tonight and my dear friend, Melanie, came with me.  Although her daughter, Michaela, wanted to come, she has not been feeling well.  She stayed at home. 
Today I received a message through a website, www.caringbridge.com and a girl from Mt. Juliet, TN (the town beside the one I grew up in) did not have good news regarding her cancer.  She is in elementary school and my old college roommate is her teacher.  Many people I know through growing up, college, and as an adult have been affected by her and her kind spirit.  So, tonight, I want to say that I am thinking about sweet Savannah Swandal and may God bless her and keep her and her family close.  Cancer is rough on adults.  I cannot imagine being a mom of a child with cancer.   So, as much as I want to complain about missing my husband and being stuck at home with two healthy children...I have to say I am one lucky girl!  Please say a prayer for Savannah when you say one for Eric!  Love to all!  Amy

snow, snow, snow

Well, today was the second snow day in so many days....  I ran to the post office and dump but that was it.  So, we got some homework done and played a little.  I talked too much on the phone and played too much on the computer.  But, I didn't hear from E today so I know that he is at his final destination and doesn't really have time and/or resources to be in touch.  We have an agreement that he won't wait for more than 15-30 minutes to call me.  I can wait a few days.  I know soldiers who have waited hours in line to call home.  I don't want him to do that or feel the pressure to do so.  With us having this understanding, he doesn't feel the pressure to call.  And, I know that he will let others call home first.  We ate dinner and the girls "decided" to get together a Valentine's Day present for me.  So, they worked for a long time getting that ready.  They asked if I wanted it ahead of time but I said no, I wanted it on the actual day.  So, as I put them to bed tonight, Delaney said, "Mom, when Dad gets home, I want him to take us shopping for you a Valentine's Day gift that you will really like."  After I explained that it would be a year before Daddy could do that, she asked if Grandma could take her.  I told her yes, I am sure Grandma would love to do that.  (Grandpa did it for the last deployment!!)  But, today has been the first day I felt lonely.  It didn't matter what I did to keep busy or who I talked to...I missed E.  Having all of this snow begin again didn't help since we will be out on Thursday now.  My dad is having shoulder surgery tomorrow and I can't be there.  I pray that this goes well.  Helpless and alone....  Not a good way to be on a cold winter's night!  But, I will get over this and all will be good again.  When it gets warm, I am sure I will feel better!  :)

Made it through!

I easily made it through snow day #1 of single motherhood!  Well, I have to say I didn't do it alone!!  I had a hair appointment scheduled for this afternoon.  So, after sleeping in late, we all got up and relaxed.  Then, after playing online and watching tv for a little while, I got motivated to get up and get ready.  I decided to take hubby's beloved F-350 to get out of the driveway with instead of my brand new 2011 Odyssey!  So, I put it in 4 WD and got it up the driveway.  I parked it across the street in the neighbor's driveway since it is flat.   So, I dropped the girls with a sitter and had a relaxing hair cut and color.  I really can't remember the last time I did that.  I have been trying to go cheap and quick and use color out of a box.  It never looks as good as the box!  It was really a nice day.  I was just able to video skype with Eric.  The girls came in and were able to enjoy it as well.  I guess I will see if this makes the transition worse or if they handle it better this time.  I know that seeing his face could hurt the transition.  But, I also won't keep them from it if at all possible.  This morning I thought he left Mannis and had gotten to Afghanistan but it didn't happen.  I want him to get there so he can get busy and working again.  But, I want him to come home too!  It is hard to think that I am only on day 3 and still have many more to go.  All I can say is it sucks but we have to continue our lives or be miserable and the latter isn't an option..................  So, tomorrow will be another snow day with a good chance of more accumulation.  I would like to do something with the girls but think I might just stay home and declare it "jammie day!"  Who knows!!  For my friends and family who are following this, I really appreciate you trying to keep me busy and offering everything from a day with or without kids to a place to call if I feel the need at any hour!  I love you all!!  :)

Alethea's Excellent Adventures: A special post for my best friend

Alethea's Excellent Adventures: A special post for my best friend: "As I enjoy the peaceful & beautiful morning of February 5th on the island of Koh Chang, I am thinking about my best friend, Amy, halfway..."

Snow day #1

Well, back to work today...Oh what a day!  It was so great that I was back in a routine.... Oh, that's right--there wasn't a routine.  The morning went the same as any Monday except I had a new student and a new helper!  YEAH!!!!  Then, the regular dismissal was accompanied by a snow/sleet/rain mix that changed into pure snow in 10 minutes.  Then, within 10 more minutes, it was coating the concrete.  Well, the students couldn't concentrate on lunch much less homework.  So, an executive decision was made that we would go outside and play!!!!  Since the school system around us was closing early, we closed early.  Since I lived 30 minutes away, I left.  It took an hour and 20 minutes to make it home. 


Eric was in ?stan today and we were able to skype (we only used the typing one not the webcam part).  He should move on to the next -stan tomorrow.  We will see how that goes.  The girls have been stronger than I expected and I have actually been stronger than I expected.  I am so thankful for my great family and friends.  I have had so many people call and/or text and/or contact me via facebook to talk to me and make me feel better.  I appreciate the support of each and every person who has contacted me...it truly means a lot!!  :)  Thanks and may God bless you all!

Day 1

Well, today was the first day of a year....  I began by waking up at 9 am.  (Since I was up until after 3 and a couple of times before 9, I don't think that was too bad)  I checked e-mail, facebook, etc., just like normal.  Finally, we all got our day started and ran to Wal-Mart for Superbowl and weekly groceries.  We picked up a few things to send to E for Valentine's Day.  It was so hard but I came home and began picking up and cleaning. I kept my phone close but didn't check facebook or email until almost 5.  To my surprise, E was there!  I wished I had gotten online sooner but who knew?  He was in Ireland for a layover of about 7 or so hours.  We were still chatting when our first Superbowl guests arrived.  Thank goodness this family has been through this and let me chat with E.  It was nice but I didn't have much to say.  I wanted to tell him so much but nothing very important happened.  It was hard because I wanted to cry but it wouldn't help.  I love my husband so much and it is so hard to move on. Now I need to decide how I want to spend the time that he is gone.  I had such good friends over and it was a nice distraction. Now, all is quiet and girls are in bed.  I need to sleep but it seems so lonely and quiet.  It just isn't right without E around!  I need him in my life.  I love my husband and I am proud of him for the sacrifices he is making but really want him home!  I am exhausted already and hopefully this will lead to a good night's sleep................

shock and awe

Well, today was it.  Today was the day we have been dreading for the last 14 months.  I can't believe how fast 14 months can go.  I cannot believe that I am in this situation again.  We got to relax this morning and pretend nothing was happening.  But, by 10 am, E was already bouncing off the walls trying to get the last minute stuff done.  That took most of the day.  Then, we decided to go to Outback for dinner.  It was packed at 4:45 when we arrived.  After waiting on a table for about 25 minutes we were seated.  But, it took an hour to get our dinner.  We ordered our appetizer and meals at the same time.  It took about 30 minutes to get the salad.  Completely insane!  It was all E could do to sit in his skin waiting on the food.  When we got home, RJ took Tylenol and rested.  (The flu shot on Thursday is kicking her butt!)  D went down to the basement to "help" E finish up.  Then, we took a few minutes of adult time to talk and cry.  We called the girls down and all laid in our bed watching a Wallace and Gromit movie on Netflix via Wii.  But, the mood was hardly light.  By the time that was over, it was time to head out.  We got up the road about 2 miles and E stopped to check the van and make sure he put everything in.  :)  Of course, he did!  When we arrived at the hangar, we dropped his bags and parked.  As we went into the hangar, E went to get into the line to get his weapon issued and take care of business.  The girls and I staked out a spot to stand.  But, hot cocoa and popcorn called.  It took about an hour of us standing around before they made the 15 min. call.  Then, about 20 minutes before they actually lined up.  Once the soldiers were out on the buses, we headed home.  There was no need to see the  buses pull away.  We were so ready to get home. We called E's parents to let them know that he was on his way.  As I am home and typing this at 2 am, I can't believe it has happened.  I can't believe I am alone again.  I have done this before but am not ready to do it again!  I am saying prayers that this will be a decent year.  Please keep us all in your prayers.