Guilt Gone...Still Overwhelmed

So, the guilt is gone and I got D the Tamiflu today.  And, she threw it up!  She threw it up on the way to the car dealership because I couldn't get one of the back row seats to work right!  I had to figure it out!!  So, on the way, I had turned right onto College St. from Riverside Dr.  I was past the 4-way stop but before the stoplight at N. 2nd St.  Well, there it came...the apples she ate for lunch!  I had just cleaned the van out and the rubber floor mats.  I pulled over to the side of the road, put on my hazards, gave her napkins, and unlocked the door.  She stood outside on the sidewalk and threw up the rest she had in her.  She got back in the van a little gray but feeling much better...  I had traffic totally stopped at the stop sign behind me!  We both totally forgot that the windows rolled down in the back of our van.  (The 2003 Odyssey didn't have that feature)  I felt so bad that I couldn't get out and help her.  She was such a big girl!!  :(  We went to the dealership and found out where I made the mistake and I felt like an idiot!!  We got home and she said she wasn't sick anymore!  Should I give her more Tamiflu or not?  Who knows?  Guess I will have to deal with that later!
We weren't able to take D to her ENT appt today since she was running a fever.  The audiology exam would have been invalid with all the head congestion she had.  We get to go on Wednesday.  Since we are in charge of Wednesday Night Supper at church, we have to let the rest of our team handle the responsibilities without us.  I do feel bad not being able to do it all.  But, I know I can't.  I am one person, I have two children, and a job for 2 more weeks. 
So, tomorrow, I will be working on getting D well while RJ is at school.  They both need to be in school.  We NEED to have a routine since it's been 23 days since he left!  I normally am in a routine in 5-7 days.  So, hopefully, we will get in a routine soooonnnn..........  Otherwise, I may crawl into my bed and not come out.... Oh yeah...that's not an option!  I guess I will keep going and keep smiling!!!

mommy guilt....x10

So, after being up late and waking up numerous times in the night, I was allowed to sleep in late by D.  She was up just before 8 and she let me sleep until about 9:30.  RJ didn't get up until 10:15!  But, by 11 am, D was asking me to take her temperature.  Well, sure enough, she had a fever. I did what the NP told me to do and called the office as soon as she (D) started running a fever...  Since it was a Saturday, I talked to the answering service.  A nurse called me back.  I told her what was going on and she called the Dr.  A few minutes later, she called me back and said that the Dr. wanted her to call in Tamiflu.  I gave her the name and number of the pharmacy out by us.  Being a smart and caring Mom, I wanted to make sure she got as much rest as she could.  I was to take RJ to meet another Mommy and she was going to take her to K's 8th birthday party. We were to meet at the gas station at 2:30.  Perfect!  I would go drop RJ and on the way home (not having to cross the street) I would stop and get D's rx.  The drop off of RJ went as planned.  But, when I got into the pharmacy parking lot, I suddenly realized there wasn't a car in the lot! (There is a grocery store right there so there were cars in front of the grocery store but none near the pharmacy.)  Since the only time D has had a prescription in the last 2-3 years was for her post-op from tubes (back in '08) I had no idea that the pharmacy closed at 1:00. I spent the next 2 hours getting myself more and more upset because I should have found that out and I should have gotten her medicine for her.  After working myself almost to tears, I called the Dr. office again.  I also got the call back from the nurse on call.  Sweet Brenda (the on-call nurse) had to listen to me semi-freak out because I was here making these decisions and if only I had put the girls in the car earlier and gone up there...and now all 3 of us have been sick since E deployed on the 5th...How is this possible?  I am the worst mom--EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! She reassured me that I wasn't the worst mom, and sorry my husband is gone and tell him thanks for his service and thanks for your sacrifice.  Well, she said she would call the Dr. and see if he said to call it in to another pharmacy but if insurance wouldn't pay because the other pharmacy had already filled the prescription, it would be around $100.  And, it would only save her about 24 hours of suffering...
With a new perspective (between Brenda and my neighbor, Lori) I decided I needed to suck it up and realize it wasn't the worst thing I have ever done or will do and let D just be sick until she is well.  I am taking her to the Dr. on Monday and will verify if it is the flu or not.  And, I just need to believe in myself.  Even my poor mom felt bad for me.  She wanted me to put the girls in the car and come to her house. (An hour away) so she could help.  What a sweet Mom!!!! 
So, between my decision to quit my job and switch their schools and not picking up the rx, I know this has been an emotional week.  I guess I needed something to allow it all to come out.  I still feel guilty about it all but realize children are resilient and will survive.  And, as parents, we must all give our children a reason to see a shrink as adults.  (I tell this to other parents to keep them from worrying, why don't I tell myself the same thing???)
What a day.............ready for a healthy tomorrow...or maybe the next day..........

Doing what's best...without regrets....

As a mom, I have learned that every decision I make affects those two girls I call D and RJ.  When D was born, we were awaiting orders for Eric to go to Iraq.  So, I kept teaching kindergarten and didn't try to stay at home since I couldn't imagine being at home with an infant and a husband who never comes home.  But, by the time the school year was over and D was 5 1/2 months old, E had orders to S. Korea.  So, I didn't return and took 2 school years off.  Well, that 2nd school year off was when I delivered RJ.  I returned back to work for one year while we were there.  It was great but still hard to balance being a teacher and a mom.  Both are professions that no one allows you to slack.
When we returned to the states, I took off a year but sutbbed at the mother's day out program the girls attended.  And, by the next school year, I was ready to be using the "professional" side of my brain.  With two preschoolers, I was going crazy with the continual need to clean, feed, laundry, clean, and feed.  So, in my infinite wisdom, I returned back to work as a teacher full-time. 
This proved to be both a good and bad decision.  I was able to use my "professional" brain more and still use my "mommy" brain.  But, the longer I worked, the more I had to be teacher and less time I had to be Mom.  But, because I worked at this particular school, I met the friends that supported me through the last deployment.  They helped with the girls and my mental health!  So, I quit that job and decided to work at a facility that offered homeschool support and tutoring. 
This has been a great opportunity  to learn more about what is out there and meet more great people.  But, after driving back and forth across town and not able to do the things I feel like I need to as a mom, I have made the decision to stay at home.  This has been something I have thought about since around Christmas.  The problem? If I pull the kids out of this setting, they will be missing out on the dance/arts they receive during the school day.  They will miss their friends. They will have a huge adjustment.
As luck would have it, Mrs. Christy, the dance instructor (whom the girls have danced with for a number of years) is going to open in a new studio in a few weeks.  So, that sealed the deal.  (Along with seeing what all I could get done with staying at home this week!) 
I handed in my resignation today and will stop working on March 18th. (The last day before spring break)  The girls will start their new elementary school on the Monday after spring break.   I want to try to be a mom first and a professional second.  I want to do some things for me and volunteer more.  I am so glad that I have been afforded this opportunity by my wonderful husband.
Without the support of my husband, family, and friends, I would not have been able to do this.  Each provides support in ways that I need.  I am so excited about this wonderful opportunity. 
So, with guilt (although I have been told that I should not feel it) and pleasure....I am going to be a SAHM!!!!  :)
Thanks everyone!!!  Love you all!!!

"Sick" cleaning=early spring cleaning

With a sick kid at home and the other at school, I had time to clean out the girls' bedrooms.  I was able to clean sheets yesterday and remake the beds.  But, spent the rest of my time on the main living spaces.  So, today I was able to attack the bedrooms without anyone saying, "No, don't get rid of that!" or "I will wear that one day!"  And, my all time favorite, "But, I got that at....It means soooooo much to me!"  It looks so much better in their bedrooms and hopefully I will be able to keep it up.  I have been busy thinking as well. What do I want? What will work best for our family?  What can we afford?  Can I afford to be a SAHM?  How can I save money?  Where do I want our family to go?  How can I continue this trend of the girls dealing with the deployment well?  What am I doing right?  What am I doing wrong? 

So, as you can see, this has been very cathartic for me.  I have cleaned my house and cleansed my soul!  In the next week or so, I will reveal some of my plans.....I will reveal the epiphanies I have had.  But, it's not totally ready yet. 

All of this in time for Lent (begins Mar. 9)!  I must decide what to God has in store for us during that time.  I am open and ready for God to speak to me and lead the way! And, yes, God, I am listening to what you have been telling me for the last few months!  I am finally ready to act so stop stomping your feet and making our air cold down here.  I am ready to act on it!!! 

Reaching out

I had decided to work part time for many reasons this year.  But, the only way I have been volunteering is through the FUEL program at our church.  So, as this school year continues, and my stage of life is changing, I wanted to spend this blog discussing ways to help service members.  It really doesn't take much for those who live near a military post/base.  One thing that was recently done for me is that I was in a Hallmark store in Hermitage, TN (near my parents' house) and I was purchasing one of the recordable books.  The nice gentleman who was helping me, gave me pointers to make the  book sound better and the quality of the product enhanced.  I said, "I will write this down for my  husband.  I am sending the books to him in Afghanistan and he will ship them back to our girls."  He said, "This is the most I can do but, I can give you a 20% discount to help with the shipping costs overseas and back."  Although this is monetary, there are many ways to help military families without spending a dime.  Just asking the wife of a deployed soldier out for coffee, dinner, etc.  Offer your child (if age appropriate) to babysit her children while she goes shopping, to a movie, or dinner.  The kids enjoy the break from Mom and Mom enjoys the break without worrying...  :)  So, I am attaching some links for each of you to view.  If so inclined, reach out.  Our girl scout troop is sending over any "donated" boxes of cookies to Eric's unit in Afghanistan.  I don't think we have sold that many but the economy is bad and most don't have an extra $3.50 to donate to any cause.

The following is the Blue Star Mothers.  I have a dear friend of our family who is very involved in this organization.  There are many chapters throughout the US. http://www.bluestarmothers.org

The next one is the VFW (Veteran's of Foreign War) website.  And, who would know better what a service member needs than someone who has served.  www.returnthefavor.org

Another website is great for assistance in being a foster parent to a pet, sending USO care packages, and sending items to wounded service members at Walter Reed. www.hereinreality.com/supportourtroops.html

For assistance to military families, www.military.com offers a lot of services.  They will assist you with many facets of the time apart (and getting life back on track once the service member returns).

There is a  PDF file that is titled 101 Ways To Help A Soldier. You can google it by using those words and it is at thehttp://www.ngaus.org/ website.  Many of these are FREE!!!!

Also, if you don't know anyone serving overseas, you can go to www.anysoldier.com and find ways.

I hope that these resources open your minds to ways that you and your family could help.  I love all of my supporters!!!  Couldn't do it without you!!!!

fun Sunday...

Well, D was up before 7!!! But, RJ slept until 10!!!  Yes, a full 12 hours!!!  That was good because she needed it but not good because we missed church.  I was really looking forward to getting back to church since I missed Wednesday night supper and I really need to get back into the message that God has for me this year!  And, I need to be around my Trinity friends! Eric got on Skype and we were able to see each other for a few minutes.  The girls got to see him too!  But, D got aggravated because the connection kept getting lost.  RJ didn't give up hope but was disappointed when we did.  What a change from the deplyment 2 years ago! We headed down to Nashville.  D, my dad and I went to get my dad a bike.  But, the store didn't have it.  So, a wasted adventure but nice time with my dad!!!  And, I got my van washed!  Then, off to dinner with teachers I taught with my first three years of teaching!  What a lifetime ago that was!!!  I was a teacher!  So, now, kids relaxing and (one asleep and one playing) and ready for bed myself!  Before 10 pm!!  :)

A better day........

So, I wrote my blog earlier last night because I was so exhausted.  I wanted to get some good sleep last night.  So, by 10:30 I was asleep...that was earlier than any other night since Eric left.  And, wouldn't you know it, the phone rang at 11:13 pm and had a 270 area code.... IT WAS ERIC!!!!!  I was so excited.  We talked about 15 minutes and hung up.  I was able to discuss part of what I needed to and it felt good.  Eric said that he would try to call this morning our time so that he could talk to the girls.  So, as soon as I was done in the shower, the phone rang again with that same 270 area code number.  D talked a lot to Eric but RJ didn't want to.  It really bothered D that RJ didn't want to talk to her dad.  Eric had to explain to D that she did the same thing when he was deployed the last time and that it was ok and he wasn't hurt.  After getting ready, we headed off to church for family pics.  Since we had them done a few months ago, we were just doing it for the directory.  I ended up ordering a cute picture of the girls.  They each looked "happy" to strangle each other.  But, because RJ had a fever yesterday, we went home immediately after.  RJ had not run a fever since last night. I gave her medicine at 1:00 am but not since.  We got home and relaxed for a while and then cleaned out the dresser drawers.  Because RJ stayed fever free all day, we joined friends for a Chuck-E-Cheese night.  Well, the fever came back about 7:30.  ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!  Oh well, Tylenol and Motrin are our friends again....  So, we are all in bed snuggling with D staying away from RJ.  Overall, it was a much better day.  I love that I can have good days that I don't worry about things.  I don't worry about Eric's health and safety, I am just happy here and don't feel like I have to worry about it.  I can enjoy time and enjoy my girls, my friends, and my family.... and, not feel guilty! 

Absence of calls, and now a fever...................

So, we haven't had any contact with Eric since Wednesday am...  I know that this is typical and he has been busy.  But, it doesn't make the lack of phone calls any easier.  It really isn't about the phone call itself.  It is about the complete emptiness I feel when I hear nothing.  It is hard to believe that we are back at this point. At the point where I accept going 24-72 hours without any communication as normal and acceptable.  I wait by the phone between 9-11 pm hoping that I hear the phone ring.  But, it hasn't.  I love that man more than life itself.  I hope that I hear from him tonight.  I have had a not-so-great day... I want to talk things over with him.  I have talked to a number of friends today to gain some perspective but the best person for that is that man I call my husband!  I want to tell him that RJ coughed all night and cried in her sleep.  I want to tell him that the dog wanted to sleep outside last night and didn't bark until I actually had fallen asleep at 5:00 am.  The last time I remember seeing the clock it was 3:30 or so.  I want to tell him that although she didn't have a fever this morning, she told me she didn't feel well. And, I know she wasn't feeling well.  Her normal temperature is low and her temperature this morning was 98.7.   I gave her some mucinex for the cough and off to school we went.  She was even in my boss' office during our staff meeting in another room.  She ran a fever even on Motrin and Tylenol.  She is feeling better with 2 doses of Tylenol and one of Motrin in her.  but, she still looks sick.  I want to tell him I wish he was here to help me, to hold me when I cry because our baby has a fever.  I want him here to help get up in the middle of the night so we keep the medicine in her.  I cannot imagine what someone must feel with the loss of a spouse.  I have known people who have lost their spouse in war. But, they have not been close friends.  So, I know that this must be a pain that is far worse than those that I am feeling.  I cannot imagine that feeling so I don't want to whine.  I feel like everyone has their own struggles and mine are not any larger than anyone else's.  Thank you for all of my friends and family that have supported me and continue to support me.  I could not do that without you!!!!!

the good, the bad, the phone call...

It's 7:58 and we are supposed to be out of the house at 8:00 to get to school.  The phone rings...must be Eric!  He is supposed to try and call one day this week so that the girls can say hello.  But, "Crap" I think...this isn't the best time...we are trying to get out of the house!!!  Come to find out, it is a friend (whose child I teach) telling me that her daughter (and my daughters' classmate) is sick and unable to come to school.  Then, "Crap" I think again...But, not because of C being sick but because it wasn't Eric and because I felt I was "too busy" to stop and talk to him.  I should never be too busy to stop and talk to him.  Dang!  What kind of wife is too busy to talk to her husband in Afghanistan?  (I know...some say it but...I think they exaggerate!)  Then, about 2/3 the way to school, the phone rings again (and I answer it using the car phone bluetooth system thingy) and it's Eric!!!  WHOOT!! WHOOT!!!!!!!  It's him and he wants to talk to the girls! This is awesome.  We have a great 10-15 minute conversation like he is down the road somewhere.  But, then, it's time to hang up so he can go eat. (It's 6:45 pm in Afghanistan now...) As we start to say good-bye, the girls say it first and then Eric...and I try to muster up the strength to say it without sounding as if I'm crying (although I am) and just saying "love you, bye."  But, he said "love you too, bye" and I said, "love you, bye."  (It's our thing...he says it first but puts too after it...just something we started about 5 years ago and it stuck.  It was totally by accident since I was usually the one to say it first so he jumped the gun once and I teased him about it.)  Anyways, I could tell that when he heard my voice, he knew I was tearing up because he chuckled and said, "love you, bye" again.  I hate to be weak and let him know how badly I miss him.  I know he misses me as much and has much worse conditions than I do.  How can I possibly cry?  I have the comforts of our house and the love of our girls right beside me every day. 

I was able to compose myself and make it into work ok.  After work, I found out that my former principal's sister had died last night.  This is hard news because she was such a nice person to so many around her.  I didn't know her very well but I know that the lives she impacted the most are going to miss her.

As planned a few weeks ago, a group of us from that school met for dinner.  I have to say it was a good mix of personality.  We all laughed until we wiped tears away, drank, ate, drank, ate, and laughed some more.  What a great way to spend an evening!  And, it was topped off by me snuggling with my girls until they fell asleep.  And, like a bad Army wife, I am going to let them spend the night in my bed tonight.  When Eric deployed the first time and I worked full-time, I felt so much stress that I didn't take the time to cherish them. I have realized how much I love to hear them breathe, snore, and wiggle at night.  I am choosing to relish this time together and enjoy every moment of them right now.  I know that in a few short years we all won't be able to sleep in the bed together and they wouldn't want to be here if they were paid! So, I want to enjoy this moment-tonight! 

Say a prayer for those around you.  You never know what they are going through.  And, if you are "friends" with an Army family and a parent is deployed....Don't ask how we are.  We have a part of our family missing and our hearts ache every moment of every day.  We will tell you we are fine and that things are going well.  Now, if you are true to goodness friend, you will know how we are by looking at our faces.  You will be able to tell if we are sick, tired, or having a good day or a bad one.  You will begin by talking about something besides our missing family member. 

Again, I love all of my family and friends.  I could not do this without you.  God has put each one of you in my life for a reason!  :)

Physically worn out, Emotionally happy!

So, Sunday night, I received my first phone call from Eric.  We had a nice, long, chat.  It was wonderful to hear his voice.  We laughed about the mouse and about my fear and overcoming obstacles in the year and how I can be strong and I MUST rely on others to help me get through the next few weeks.....the next many, many, many weeks!!!!!!  I just want to be strong for the girls and for myself.  But, when I am sick..everyone suffers!!  I was happy to receive the pre-Valentine's Day call.  (on the day in his time zone)  So, I was on a high going into Valentine's Day.  But, of course, I woke up feeling TERRIBLE!  And, knowing that the day is what I make it--alone in the romance dept--but need to make good memories for my girls.  So, I tried to get in the mood.  I even made heart shaped dinner!

So, I got another phone call on Valentine's Day night.  It was so sweet but we had talked for 30 minutes the night before but I actually ran out of things to say about what was happening here...I asked questions regarding the email I received from him but for the life of me couldn't think of anything interesting to say happened here.  How does that happen?  I love to talk!  I love to tell him about my day!  But, the longer the deployment goes on, the less I have to say.  This happens every time.  I departmentalize my day and try to weed out the "junk" from the important stuff.  I start with important stuff and work my way down to total junk.  But, by the time I get to "junk" it seems like a waste of his time.  I think about how stupid the stuff must sound when he hears it and is sleeping in a shipping container (20' long) with another guy (and he is lucky because most are sleeping 3 to a "room").  So, it doesn't seem important to say, "I went to the PX and the lady was really rude."  I mean, really??  That's important?  NO!!!

And, the girls... Well D (8 y.o.) is doing better with this deployment than she did the last.  She was 6 during the last deployment and she didn't do too well.  She hasn't had a crying for daddy attack yet although she has a shorter fuse right now.  But, RJ (6 y.o.) is having a hard time.  The last time she was 4 and handled it like  a champ.  She didn't even cry when he left to return to Afghanistan from R/R.  So, what is the change?  What is it with the age?  Is it only girls this age?  Or boys too?  Does it depend on the moon phase and time of deployment?  Is there something I can do to change it?  RJ even came to my bedroom last night (I think last night) and said, "Mommy, is there such a thing as Daddy sickness because I miss him so much that my tummy hurts."  It breaks my heart.  So, what is an Army wife to do?  Act like a Mom while thinking like a Dad...or act like a Dad when needed and think like a Mom....  Who knows???  If you do....share your secrets!  (BTW, I do know those "tricks" in books, magazines, and online....)

Enjoy your night and hopefully tomorrow will be another sunny day and I can recover even more!

Gross Exaggeration!

So, according to www.dictionary.com, gross can mean a multitude of things.  #10-Slang . extremely objectionable, offensive, or disgusting and #6-large, big, or bulky.  Today I am going to discuss both of them...  Let's start with the latter definition...Large, big, bulky... I am thinking about how large a job this is to raise my precious girls without my husband, soulmate, and biggest asset!  I cannot believe how big things seem when I can't rely on Eric to help me with them.  He gets to do some of the "fun" things like making calls to Cingular.  Everything I touched today seemed to fall apart.  I spilled things, dropped things, burned cookies, and constantly felt like I had snot running out of my nose!  And, speaking of the gross "fun" things he doesn't get to help with leads me to the other gross.  And, although this definition is the one that we think of first, it is the one that makes me the weakest!  And, with this story being so gross I have to begin on Thursday.  I found mouse poop in all of our bedrooms. (We have a basement, main floor with master, and upstairs with the other bedrooms)  I also found mouse droppings in a drawer in the house.  So, I called Servall Pest Control who does our quarterly service.  And, because of snow, the technicians weren't working.  I was lucky enough to have a technician who needed his check and is a neighbor!  So, he stopped by.  He laid out poison packets in places the dog/girls couldn't get to, sticky traps downstairs, and these "bait houses."  If you've never seen one, they look rectangular and the mouse can climb in, eat poison, get thirsty and go outside to drink and die!  So, Thursday night I heard the mouse and saw him in the "bait house" and freaked!  I was talking to my mom on the phone and ended up calling my neighbor, Mike, over to help me.  To no avail....  So, Friday night was spent in Nashville-sans mice! Yesterday, no mouse droppings in any of the upstairs bedrooms.  :)  But, last night...scratch, scratch, scratch as I heard the mouse in the house.  I was not feeling well and fell back asleep.  Today Mr. Mouse was found in the drawer in the kitchen.  I removed the washcloths and put them in the washer AGAIN and moved a sticky trap in the drawer.  So, within an hour I caught the mouse-GROSS!!!!!!!!!! So, my neighbor, Chad, had the chore opportunity to remove it for me!  Now, I moved a sticky trap in my bedroom.  So, if there is another mouse I will catch it and will return to Mighty Mike to remove it!  (I really need to spread the wealth!!)  So, am I strong? Yes!  Am I Army strong?  No way!!  But, with the support of great family and friends, I will pretend to be and will survive another 11 1/2 months!!!  HOOAH!!!!!!!! (and, really, really, really gross!!!!!!!)

Am I sick, Saturday...

Well, since we had our 4th snow day of the week yesterday, I went to Nashville to see my parents.  The plan was to give the girls a couple of hours with Grandma and Grandpa and I would help my sister, Julie, when the movers were there.  As with all "best laid plans" this one didn't quite work out the way I expected. I saw my Dad and checked on his shoulder.  Of course, he said he was in some pain but ok.  He was making soup!  Then, I headed to my sister's sans daughters.  Since she wasn't back at her "old" apartment yet, I headed to shop!  :)  After an hour, I felt like I needed to get to Julie's and headed that way.  The movers were to be there between 12 and 2.  They began to work at 5:20!!!  By that time, I made one trip to her "new" apartment.  Finally, we made it to the "new" apartment and I assisted in unpacking boxes and setting up house.  We finally made it back to Mom and Dad's about 8:30ish via Wal-Mart...  :)  We ate dinner and Julie left.  I took benedryl and headed to bed.  Riley Jo came in after I went to bed and said, "I can't sleep, I miss Daddy."  The benedryl had kicked in and I said all I could think of, "Well, since your Daddy is gone, go ask MY Daddy if you can snuggle with him."  It was the sweetest thing when she asked.  "Grandpa, my Daddy can't snuggle with me right now and I miss him.  Can I snuggle with you?"  The last I saw, Grandpa had 2 girls in his bed and none were Grandma!  I am not sure how they got to their beds but I guess Grandma took care of it.  I woke up this morning not feeling much better, but at least I slept about 7 straight hours.  We headed back to Clarksville so the girls could practice dance.  After dance, we headed home and relaxed.  I got a bee in my bonnet and we headed to the movies and saw "Justin Bieber, Never Say Never" and ate Mexican for dinner.  YUMMY but I still feel terrible.  I guess Nyquil tonight and pray that neither kid needs me!  :)  The life of a soldier's wife.  I have been well all school year until now!  DUH!  I can't wait for church tomorrow though... :)

For Savannah

So, today I didn't do so well!  I woke up with a sore throat, stuffy nose, and 2 girls that still need their Mama!  So, after having coffee, and making cereal for the girls, I finally got going.  The Servall Pest Control guy came by about 2 and laid bait and traps and poison for the mouse (or mice) that have made it into my warm, spacious and lovely abode!  (And, into my girls' bedrooms!!) GROSS!!!!  It is so gross and I feel so yucky about it.  But, I know if you live in the country and have a nice warm house in the winter, they like where you are!  After he left, I continued cleaning out what I wanted to...laundry room, closet (E's stuff only)....  But, after I found out that there was another snow day tomorrow...I lost it!!!  I know that there are snow covered streets in our county and it isn't safe for all kids to go to school but dang!!!!  I need a routine!!!  My Dad had surgery today on his shoulder and I wanted so desperately to get down to him.  I didn't dare go down today. I felt guilty for not being there and kept texting my mom about how Dad was doing.  His body did well with the surgery until he was trying to come out of the anetheseia.  He didn't really want to wake up.  But, that is to be expected, I am sure, since he was recently sick for about 7-10 days.  So, we will see.   I will head down there tomorrow and see Mom and Dad and go help my sister, Julie, get moved.  I still haven't heard from my wonderful husband.  But, I know he is very busy.  He is a great man and we do have the agreement that he is NOT to wait in line to call.  And, he is to make sure others have a chance.  He knows I can handle it.  I can handle it and accept it but it doesn't mean I have to like it!  :)  I decided to go to dinner with the girls tonight and my dear friend, Melanie, came with me.  Although her daughter, Michaela, wanted to come, she has not been feeling well.  She stayed at home. 
Today I received a message through a website, www.caringbridge.com and a girl from Mt. Juliet, TN (the town beside the one I grew up in) did not have good news regarding her cancer.  She is in elementary school and my old college roommate is her teacher.  Many people I know through growing up, college, and as an adult have been affected by her and her kind spirit.  So, tonight, I want to say that I am thinking about sweet Savannah Swandal and may God bless her and keep her and her family close.  Cancer is rough on adults.  I cannot imagine being a mom of a child with cancer.   So, as much as I want to complain about missing my husband and being stuck at home with two healthy children...I have to say I am one lucky girl!  Please say a prayer for Savannah when you say one for Eric!  Love to all!  Amy

snow, snow, snow

Well, today was the second snow day in so many days....  I ran to the post office and dump but that was it.  So, we got some homework done and played a little.  I talked too much on the phone and played too much on the computer.  But, I didn't hear from E today so I know that he is at his final destination and doesn't really have time and/or resources to be in touch.  We have an agreement that he won't wait for more than 15-30 minutes to call me.  I can wait a few days.  I know soldiers who have waited hours in line to call home.  I don't want him to do that or feel the pressure to do so.  With us having this understanding, he doesn't feel the pressure to call.  And, I know that he will let others call home first.  We ate dinner and the girls "decided" to get together a Valentine's Day present for me.  So, they worked for a long time getting that ready.  They asked if I wanted it ahead of time but I said no, I wanted it on the actual day.  So, as I put them to bed tonight, Delaney said, "Mom, when Dad gets home, I want him to take us shopping for you a Valentine's Day gift that you will really like."  After I explained that it would be a year before Daddy could do that, she asked if Grandma could take her.  I told her yes, I am sure Grandma would love to do that.  (Grandpa did it for the last deployment!!)  But, today has been the first day I felt lonely.  It didn't matter what I did to keep busy or who I talked to...I missed E.  Having all of this snow begin again didn't help since we will be out on Thursday now.  My dad is having shoulder surgery tomorrow and I can't be there.  I pray that this goes well.  Helpless and alone....  Not a good way to be on a cold winter's night!  But, I will get over this and all will be good again.  When it gets warm, I am sure I will feel better!  :)

Made it through!

I easily made it through snow day #1 of single motherhood!  Well, I have to say I didn't do it alone!!  I had a hair appointment scheduled for this afternoon.  So, after sleeping in late, we all got up and relaxed.  Then, after playing online and watching tv for a little while, I got motivated to get up and get ready.  I decided to take hubby's beloved F-350 to get out of the driveway with instead of my brand new 2011 Odyssey!  So, I put it in 4 WD and got it up the driveway.  I parked it across the street in the neighbor's driveway since it is flat.   So, I dropped the girls with a sitter and had a relaxing hair cut and color.  I really can't remember the last time I did that.  I have been trying to go cheap and quick and use color out of a box.  It never looks as good as the box!  It was really a nice day.  I was just able to video skype with Eric.  The girls came in and were able to enjoy it as well.  I guess I will see if this makes the transition worse or if they handle it better this time.  I know that seeing his face could hurt the transition.  But, I also won't keep them from it if at all possible.  This morning I thought he left Mannis and had gotten to Afghanistan but it didn't happen.  I want him to get there so he can get busy and working again.  But, I want him to come home too!  It is hard to think that I am only on day 3 and still have many more to go.  All I can say is it sucks but we have to continue our lives or be miserable and the latter isn't an option..................  So, tomorrow will be another snow day with a good chance of more accumulation.  I would like to do something with the girls but think I might just stay home and declare it "jammie day!"  Who knows!!  For my friends and family who are following this, I really appreciate you trying to keep me busy and offering everything from a day with or without kids to a place to call if I feel the need at any hour!  I love you all!!  :)

Alethea's Excellent Adventures: A special post for my best friend

Alethea's Excellent Adventures: A special post for my best friend: "As I enjoy the peaceful & beautiful morning of February 5th on the island of Koh Chang, I am thinking about my best friend, Amy, halfway..."

Snow day #1

Well, back to work today...Oh what a day!  It was so great that I was back in a routine.... Oh, that's right--there wasn't a routine.  The morning went the same as any Monday except I had a new student and a new helper!  YEAH!!!!  Then, the regular dismissal was accompanied by a snow/sleet/rain mix that changed into pure snow in 10 minutes.  Then, within 10 more minutes, it was coating the concrete.  Well, the students couldn't concentrate on lunch much less homework.  So, an executive decision was made that we would go outside and play!!!!  Since the school system around us was closing early, we closed early.  Since I lived 30 minutes away, I left.  It took an hour and 20 minutes to make it home. 


Eric was in ?stan today and we were able to skype (we only used the typing one not the webcam part).  He should move on to the next -stan tomorrow.  We will see how that goes.  The girls have been stronger than I expected and I have actually been stronger than I expected.  I am so thankful for my great family and friends.  I have had so many people call and/or text and/or contact me via facebook to talk to me and make me feel better.  I appreciate the support of each and every person who has contacted me...it truly means a lot!!  :)  Thanks and may God bless you all!

Day 1

Well, today was the first day of a year....  I began by waking up at 9 am.  (Since I was up until after 3 and a couple of times before 9, I don't think that was too bad)  I checked e-mail, facebook, etc., just like normal.  Finally, we all got our day started and ran to Wal-Mart for Superbowl and weekly groceries.  We picked up a few things to send to E for Valentine's Day.  It was so hard but I came home and began picking up and cleaning. I kept my phone close but didn't check facebook or email until almost 5.  To my surprise, E was there!  I wished I had gotten online sooner but who knew?  He was in Ireland for a layover of about 7 or so hours.  We were still chatting when our first Superbowl guests arrived.  Thank goodness this family has been through this and let me chat with E.  It was nice but I didn't have much to say.  I wanted to tell him so much but nothing very important happened.  It was hard because I wanted to cry but it wouldn't help.  I love my husband so much and it is so hard to move on. Now I need to decide how I want to spend the time that he is gone.  I had such good friends over and it was a nice distraction. Now, all is quiet and girls are in bed.  I need to sleep but it seems so lonely and quiet.  It just isn't right without E around!  I need him in my life.  I love my husband and I am proud of him for the sacrifices he is making but really want him home!  I am exhausted already and hopefully this will lead to a good night's sleep................

shock and awe

Well, today was it.  Today was the day we have been dreading for the last 14 months.  I can't believe how fast 14 months can go.  I cannot believe that I am in this situation again.  We got to relax this morning and pretend nothing was happening.  But, by 10 am, E was already bouncing off the walls trying to get the last minute stuff done.  That took most of the day.  Then, we decided to go to Outback for dinner.  It was packed at 4:45 when we arrived.  After waiting on a table for about 25 minutes we were seated.  But, it took an hour to get our dinner.  We ordered our appetizer and meals at the same time.  It took about 30 minutes to get the salad.  Completely insane!  It was all E could do to sit in his skin waiting on the food.  When we got home, RJ took Tylenol and rested.  (The flu shot on Thursday is kicking her butt!)  D went down to the basement to "help" E finish up.  Then, we took a few minutes of adult time to talk and cry.  We called the girls down and all laid in our bed watching a Wallace and Gromit movie on Netflix via Wii.  But, the mood was hardly light.  By the time that was over, it was time to head out.  We got up the road about 2 miles and E stopped to check the van and make sure he put everything in.  :)  Of course, he did!  When we arrived at the hangar, we dropped his bags and parked.  As we went into the hangar, E went to get into the line to get his weapon issued and take care of business.  The girls and I staked out a spot to stand.  But, hot cocoa and popcorn called.  It took about an hour of us standing around before they made the 15 min. call.  Then, about 20 minutes before they actually lined up.  Once the soldiers were out on the buses, we headed home.  There was no need to see the  buses pull away.  We were so ready to get home. We called E's parents to let them know that he was on his way.  As I am home and typing this at 2 am, I can't believe it has happened.  I can't believe I am alone again.  I have done this before but am not ready to do it again!  I am saying prayers that this will be a decent year.  Please keep us all in your prayers.

accommodations

Today the girls and I took off of school to spend a day with dad.  What did we do?  Something super exciting?  Something so fun that the girls will run to school bragging?  Something that will be viewed as sentimental and sweet?  No, we just hung out like it was a Saturday of any given week.  (Even though it is Friday) We vegged and watched TV, we ate lunch at different times, took time to run around the house and pick up a little.  The girls gave Eric a stuffed animal each to take with him.  Riley Jo had a brown bear with a white sweater.  The sweater has a heart on it.  Delaney got him a dog that's green and blue with a peace sign on it.  A few months ago a military mom of a 1st grader (who was prior military herself) said that they don't let their children wear things with "peace signs" because she and her husband thought it was unsupportive of the job her husband does.  But, I look at it as my girls love their daddy.  But, they would love to see peace around the world so he doesn't have to go to war.  Who wants war?  Maybe that's a question I shouldn't ask...  So, he will take Stout (from RJ) and Lager (from D) to Afghanistan to fly around and see the sights.  Maybe this time he will remember to take more pics than he did of the animals he took last time!

So, to the accommodations... E found out today that he will not have 2 roommates but 1 instead.  This is good news since their new homes are actually 20 foot shipping containers.  They are stacked 2 high and lined up in the shape of a "U" as we have seen in pictures.  So, can you imagine living in a room with 2 people and 1 wall locker for 345 days?  (I took out 20 for 15 days of r/r and 5 for travel to and from).  I can't imagine living like this!  Then, they have to go elsewhere for every bathroom break and meal.  Eric has shipped a rice cooker, coffee pot, and bread machine.  So, that will help.  As for our accommodations...I am already gearing up for the bedtime fight.  I have let E handle this since he only had a limited time left.  But, I will have to take over and they won't like it.  There will be tears for the first week or two.  Hopefully after that, we won't have too much trouble.  What accommodations can I make so that things this transition runs smoothly?  So far, pretending it isn't going to happen so soon is my plan!  Guess I have about 24 hours until I can't pretend anymore.

So, now, I am off to enjoy my last night with my husband..................

Lunar New Year

So, today is Lunar New Year...NOT CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!  Yes, I say this because we spent 3 years in South Korea and I think that as hard as the South Koreans partied, they would not like to credit the Chinese for it!  So, new beginnings.  I began the year doing what I want in to be doing in the new year...enjoying life, laughing with friends, loving my family, and trying to remain as stress free as possible.  Not that stress-free is how I can live.  But....I want to try.  We visited the dr. today for the girls.  We discussed D's stress level and how to handle it.  I was told that there was a CAPS program to help military children.  I am going to try to use that in the next few months to help her.  They each had their flu shots. RJ wanted to know if she could be "put to sleep" for that like surgery.  She proceeded to scream at the top of her lungs until the shot was done and she said, "That wasn't bad."  D handled it like a champ! 

Then, we went to dinner with two close families.  As much as I wanted to enjoy it with many others, this was what Eric needed. We laughed and had a good time!   There were so many families that helped me through the last deployment.  I have new support and those tried and true.  So, I hope the next year will be filled with fun, love, and great friendships!  Happy New Year!!!!!

Festival of Lights

So, today was a regular but not regular day at work today.  We do "fun" stuff on Wednesdays including art, music, Spanish, fitness, nutrition, etc.  I really needed this day more than the students.  Then, lunch, and afternoon classes.  Another teacher, Deanne, and I are in charge of the Creative Corner class. It consists of making crafts, cooking, writing, and now...we are about to publish our first newsletter!  It is very exciting!  But, with writing the newsletter, I am trying to focus on what will happen in March.  March?  Really?  I just began February yesterday!  Yet, I have to focus on March!!!  That will seem like an eternity from now come Saturday.  We have a dance weekend in Atlanta to begin March and then there is spring break. I am beginning to plan events that aren't including my better half.  It seems so wrong to be ready for the next phase.  It's not that I want him to leave sooner-I actually never want him to leave!  There aren't enough days left to "plan" anything else as a couple or a family.  Now, I begin planning events with others that don't include E.  I had a set of friends invite themselves over for the Superbowl.  Since they no longer have cable, they wanted to see if I had plans...  And, of course, last week I couldn't plan that far ahead so I had NO plans.  Mike, Melanie and Michaela will be coming to watch the Superbowl.  And, maybe Deanne and Brian.  That will keep me busy getting ready on Sunday and help me fall asleep easier Sunday night.  So, day by day, month by month, I will have to make plans and decisions without E.  I will be making simple decisions and probably a few important ones (thanks to Murphy and his laws!).  At this point, I have to remember that this deployment will be better than the first.  E was part of the initial invasion of Iraq in 2003 with the 101st.  This meant only a monthly phone call for us and no email for months.  So, with the technology that has developed, this will be MUCH better than the first and hopefully better than the second as we could rarely skype using video.  I will spend time in my head "planning" our chats, "planning" the boxes I will ship to APO AE and "planning" some much needed breaks from thinking about the family that is torn apart for a while by war.  We love Eric and I know I will say this again later:  We CAN survive without him but we don't thrive without him.  We will always be "planning" for his return.

Promotion

Well, today was promotion day.  It began by texts and phone calls before 7:30 this morning.  All the last minute stuff that needed to be taken care of.  Then, with one kid in the van with me and one with Nana and Gramps, we headed to meet the girl who is catering this for me and my parents (Grandma and Grandpa) to go to the ceremony.  We met on a cold windy day (but with no snow, thankfully) at a Wal-Mart.  No one believes a car parked in a Wal-Mart parking lot for 3 hours as anything unusual or suspicious!  So, with me driving (since I have the military ID and tags on the car), Gramps up front, Nana, Delaney and Grandpa in the middle row, Riley Jo and Grandma in the back row we headed to post.  As we were driving up to the gate, I was behind a Coor's Light Truck.  I sooo badly wanted to follow the truck to the right and rob it while the driver was getting his temporary pass.  But, I was a good Army wife and followed to the left and obeyed all speed limits.  The poor contractor that tried to check ID's was trying to see everyone in the back.  I forgot that in my new pimped-out 2011 Honda Odyssey, the back windows roll down!  Duh!!!  So, we arrive at the battalion (BN) classroom at around 9:20.  And, in true Army style, the ceremony got pushed back from 10:00 to 10:45.  So, the soldier going from specialist to sergeant was promoted first.  Then, the girls and I went up to the front to stand with Eric.  As the official "orders" were read, I was thinking, "this is the last promotion..."  Then, I heard CW4 and I was able to remove his CW3 rank from his ACU jacket and place the CW4 rank in its place.  It was a nice ceremony and both sets of parents were impressed by the "officialness" of the event.  But, all I could think about was the promotion in Korea.  There were multiple people getting promoted, no one was heading to war within days, and few had their families.  The soldiers had to play "slip and slide" in the mud puddles that were created out of the rain and a good ole' fashioned water hose.  The Army Song was sung as well as other stuff...  I actually knew the words to the Army Song and the 101st Song (Rendezvous With Destiny)!  And, that was back when the rank was "pinned" with a metal pin and you were to slap the pin in so it made the soldier bleed.  They had to "earn" the rank!  This time it was just peel and stick.  I am glad that we were able to enjoy this with Eric instead of hearing about it in pictures.  The girls may not care now.  But, one day...

So, no pity party tonight.  I got it out yesterday.  Today is a sense of renewed spirits and optimism! 
Thanks to all who were able to participate in this today and for those thinking of us.  Now, on to the real deal....deployment with optimism and renewed spirits! HOOAH!!  :)